Go Better

I am starting to understand my new found passion for knitting, it is a very good outlet for anxiety.

In the past 2 years or so I have grown into a strong woman, I think, with the fending off of the depression, taking ownership of my first very own home, making my mark in my profession of the moment, and keeping it together generally.

At some point I became to be less anxious, but it comes and goes as you know. I think it's less external than before, but if I pay attention, it's still there.

Know I am at a crux where I need to change something significant in my life, like a career or a relationship or both and well, there is anxiety. There is also nagging inner voices designed to trample me all over. Guilty this and shameful that sort of voices. Those useless words that do so much work in me. And myself becoming a tapestry in hostile territory.

With that going on I'd say we are dealing with a bit of fear, therefore anxiety. Nothing out of the ordinary - it doesn't hurt, i barely am aware of it. I have a good buffer.

What's interesting in the feral kateri today is that I am calmed by knitting. It's a self contained, hypnotizing world of interlocking loops that I repeat over and over and over... There is enough rapture for knitting on the internets to keep anyone fed for more than a couple of lifetimes each. But for me it is still an easy and limited art (not in a bad way; but you wouldn't suffer from knitter's block, you know), quite pleasant to do.

I can gauge at how anxious I am by the intensity at which I read, listen, learn, shop and knit wool. I'm pretty anxious.

It does dawn at me that this is a grandmotherly activity and I don't have a single friend that knits. I have wondered if I am aging precociously, because my insides aren't behaving like they used too. Not that the two are necessarily correlated. There is also this hint of Asperger syndrom-like quality that I have, that goes well with the shutting down and repeating over and over and over and over... Something to go to where I don't have to think.

How go I, then? I guess not greatly, but I insist that as long as I am here poised with not a hint of a tear in my eye, I'm good.

But I would like to go better, soon ;) so I am making it happen.

Amourx.