Livelihood

I have done a lot of good things which are definitively helping balance the inner feelings. Guilt comes a lot for a visit. It’s been a four day long week-end and I shall list the good things I have done:

        Doctors appointments

        Expense account

        Bought an amazing bike

        Went on a great long ride

        Had pik-nik in the park with beau, ate portuguese chicken with wine at Mont-Royal

        Went on an amazing bosu tonus class

        Saw a bad movie and went to bad restaurant with mom and Chantal

        Deep cleaned my bedroom inside out to make room for beau

        Went to the specialist

        Took my meds and vitamins

        Had lovely long walks in the city

        Did salsa class twice and it’s not easy

        Gave bags and bags of stuff to Army Surplus and more will come

        Ordered fab sofa and cushion covers

So I guess I filled my time with good things to do and I will continue. Internally I feel guilt and will say why here: guilt of not having a social activity for beau and my colleague from Tokyo, I should add for myself too but I don’t feel the need, so guilt for retreating from social things and avoiding relations. Guilt for not going to the beach yesterday while it rains today. Guilt for not thinking about work. Worried now about work.

I had to let go a girl on Thursday and this is hard and difficult. I don’t feel guilty or only remotely because it couldn’t be helped. But I worry about the impact on my team and what I need to do to keep things on track and good. My company is losing money year by year and this is not a good climate to work in. I feel guilty because I am not providing a solution and I prefer to try to leave - but I still go through the motions of course while I am there. There are people’s livelihood in there not just mine.

So why do I focus on guilt? I think this is my pathology. While I am feeling this I do a lot of things, so that I don’t feel stagnation and it helps. I could add my worry list here but would it help? Maybe not.

I do love my life and appreciate my health --I haven’t been sick lately and this is new to me this year-- my livelihood, my skills, my dreams, my friends, family and beau. I simply feel vulnerable.

That’s how I described myself at work, like a hare running away from hunters and farmers trying to steal the ground under my feet. Always a target, I seek shelter.

Amourx.

        

        

        

Week Deux

I’m better than last week because I have been sleeping well. Work wasn’t too bad, I have a lot and need to keep making decisions that I don’t like but it’s doable. I signed off friday and didn’t think about it till now monday morning, last few minutes before I get there.

What’s happening is that I am doubting my inner self now. I don’t know if going to the psychologist is making it worst. I have been sleeping, resting a lot and my house as you know is not ready. It’s a bad piece of karma or something. Life is not so bad. Stayed home with my beau most of the week-end. Thinking super negative so:

I have a home, a job and a boyfriend. I earn a lot. I have a lot of holidays. I have friends. I’m pretty-ish. It’s a nice month. My office is beautiful. I have dance lessons. I have a beautiful smile. I have supporters. I’m trying to make a baby.

Have to act more think less.

Amourx.

Monday's Manics

Back from a week holiday plus worked today. First things first I am back on meds since yesterday and I can’t wait to feel relief if it happens. I spent every night of my holiday walking up in panic with a knot encompassing my hole torso, most days silent in dissappointment and loneliness. I wasn’t alone, but I felt it so.

Then work was only ok, lasted long and nothing changes in a week anyways. I barely know if I can manage a day, then I do, still spend most of the day judging myself and shy about asking and saying and doing but I do. I also plow through cause I have to. I am in a bad place.

Although not so bad, i know this is perspective. I am ok, healthy etc. Just so alone, retracted and scared - with that burning panic in my bosom, constantly braising.

And my man was there for 3 minutes between our 2 trips. And I loved to see him for those times and knew that he was mine forever.

I ate a lot and I’m not sure if I should list all the activities I do well and those I don’t, to count things and judge more. When i have a moment I want to sleep it or eat it. Missed salsa there i said it, cause I was still at work, said it too.

And so I shall have another bowl of soup, my meds, some fizzy water and to bed. I try to keep things clean and good.

Amourx.

Self help

I thought I should record my days without meds. Last night I lied away for half the night it seems like. I was having these angry, worried thoughts that I can never shake. Feels like the great humiliation is upon me - and I am wee child trying to avoid the end of the world, before I get to the cathartic its-not-my-fauuuult moment. I woke again in the morning with the same feelings. Unshakable.

I listened to podcasts during the night and afterwards I started to name and feel every part of my body to tell it that I love it. I think this is a good strategy no? At least I know that it is greatly perception that is taking me here. I’ve been here before. I don’t know how to get out of it.

My psychologist didn’t return my email yet. I’m still not drinking, went to salsa class yesterday but missed my yoga this morning because of the lack of sleep. The day is beautiful and I think that my challenge is to see the nice things. There are plenty including my beau. I’m not really feeding myself carefully lately, it’s always an afterthought, but today I am bringing soup to work.

Fast and Furiously

I made a loan via Kiva.org this morning. I did a lot of little things which are good for me: returned a damaged dvd and claimed a credit for it, took my old expired meds to the pharmacy, painted a coat of primer in my bathroom yesterday. Went to two birthday parties on the same day, and went to the YMCA for a class. And I got a haircut.

I helps alleviate the panicky feeling of guilt that I carry. I wonder if I will carry it my hole life. Here is an idea for a book. An anxiety stricken person.

It’s monday morning. My anxiety raises high on Sunday, has been peaking on Tuesdays, and goes back down on Wednesdays when I understand that the world will keep going. I did not sleep on Saturday but I did sleep yesterday, bless that night that will make a difference.

I am going off my meds, in fact I have stopped taking them about 48 hours ago. The reason is that while I went to the doctor seeking more or different medication, I’m also trying to conceive, and because there is minute risk I feel it is simpler to stop. I have a prescription for a psychiatrist and a prescription for meds (because I have to evaluate what is riskier for a baby, my anxiety or the meds…), but, it’s easier to just stop. I will see my psychologist, stop drinking, exercise regularly, and I have a vacation in a week!

I regularly feel attacked down to my core and react with overwhelming anger, outrage, panic, tears and more. Some people are easy triggers for me, in fact they don’t need to do anything, I can make up huge schemes about them while they are not really acting on it, but I know they are a threat and I have little defence - I am not built to handle confrontation well. It goes internal fast and furiously.

I wonder if this is about confrontation. There is something else, I have always been quite an easy target for someone who knows where to push. This is why I have become so introverted and had created a pretty tough shell growing up. This is my defence, to hide where I am fragile.

Looking for other jobs and other fields, that may help in a random sort of way. I am trying to help. I am starting to see black. Anxiety and hyper-sensitivity I guess.

Still love my man.

Amourx.

Limited edition

A very few words for today.

My neck is strained, the weather so hot. Very few things I must do to get through. I have a lunch with a dear friend.

I’m drinking questionable coffee but its good, probably way too strong. No food yet, I am not hungry, I should eat still.

Mostly I rest, read, write, be in stories and listen to podcasts. Keep house just enough tidy no worse. That’s all I have been doing so far.

My intention is to have a good attitude and make things as best as I can. Retire when I get too tired, that’s what I want to do. But I wonder about my next vacation. I need to think about that.

Amourx.

Less work more care

Been sick 3 days and home all day today, feeling some guilt for it. But I am ok. I looked at what was important and family came first so I cleaned a bit, so little, but it’s better than it was. I sent emails at work with my junk/anonymous email address. I listened to tv shows and podcasts now, being tired. It’s like if I was depressed but I’m not giving into that.

I understand it’s a perspective thing. I can spin this around if I feel like it. I can also protect myself and this is what I am doing. I’m still good and in love with beau. Won’t write about him too much, he is allowed his confidentiality even if no one reads me.

I can write about what I wish. A three months break from work, so that I take care of the house, care of my skin, health and all. I need to stay close to my friends, family and love if I this happens. I’m not going for a burn out right now, unless I burn out, but thinking about freelancing? Jobs are hard to get. School could be an option.

Mainly, I need to be more social, this will be helpful. Less work, more care. I like that.

Amourx.