Livelihood

I have done a lot of good things which are definitively helping balance the inner feelings. Guilt comes a lot for a visit. It’s been a four day long week-end and I shall list the good things I have done:

        Doctors appointments

        Expense account

        Bought an amazing bike

        Went on a great long ride

        Had pik-nik in the park with beau, ate portuguese chicken with wine at Mont-Royal

        Went on an amazing bosu tonus class

        Saw a bad movie and went to bad restaurant with mom and Chantal

        Deep cleaned my bedroom inside out to make room for beau

        Went to the specialist

        Took my meds and vitamins

        Had lovely long walks in the city

        Did salsa class twice and it’s not easy

        Gave bags and bags of stuff to Army Surplus and more will come

        Ordered fab sofa and cushion covers

So I guess I filled my time with good things to do and I will continue. Internally I feel guilt and will say why here: guilt of not having a social activity for beau and my colleague from Tokyo, I should add for myself too but I don’t feel the need, so guilt for retreating from social things and avoiding relations. Guilt for not going to the beach yesterday while it rains today. Guilt for not thinking about work. Worried now about work.

I had to let go a girl on Thursday and this is hard and difficult. I don’t feel guilty or only remotely because it couldn’t be helped. But I worry about the impact on my team and what I need to do to keep things on track and good. My company is losing money year by year and this is not a good climate to work in. I feel guilty because I am not providing a solution and I prefer to try to leave - but I still go through the motions of course while I am there. There are people’s livelihood in there not just mine.

So why do I focus on guilt? I think this is my pathology. While I am feeling this I do a lot of things, so that I don’t feel stagnation and it helps. I could add my worry list here but would it help? Maybe not.

I do love my life and appreciate my health --I haven’t been sick lately and this is new to me this year-- my livelihood, my skills, my dreams, my friends, family and beau. I simply feel vulnerable.

That’s how I described myself at work, like a hare running away from hunters and farmers trying to steal the ground under my feet. Always a target, I seek shelter.

Amourx.