Back from a week holiday plus worked today. First things first I am back on meds since yesterday and I can’t wait to feel relief if it happens. I spent every night of my holiday walking up in panic with a knot encompassing my hole torso, most days silent in dissappointment and loneliness. I wasn’t alone, but I felt it so.
Then work was only ok, lasted long and nothing changes in a week anyways. I barely know if I can manage a day, then I do, still spend most of the day judging myself and shy about asking and saying and doing but I do. I also plow through cause I have to. I am in a bad place.
Although not so bad, i know this is perspective. I am ok, healthy etc. Just so alone, retracted and scared - with that burning panic in my bosom, constantly braising.
And my man was there for 3 minutes between our 2 trips. And I loved to see him for those times and knew that he was mine forever.
I ate a lot and I’m not sure if I should list all the activities I do well and those I don’t, to count things and judge more. When i have a moment I want to sleep it or eat it. Missed salsa there i said it, cause I was still at work, said it too.
And so I shall have another bowl of soup, my meds, some fizzy water and to bed. I try to keep things clean and good.
Amourx.
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