Fast and Furiously

I made a loan via Kiva.org this morning. I did a lot of little things which are good for me: returned a damaged dvd and claimed a credit for it, took my old expired meds to the pharmacy, painted a coat of primer in my bathroom yesterday. Went to two birthday parties on the same day, and went to the YMCA for a class. And I got a haircut.

I helps alleviate the panicky feeling of guilt that I carry. I wonder if I will carry it my hole life. Here is an idea for a book. An anxiety stricken person.

It’s monday morning. My anxiety raises high on Sunday, has been peaking on Tuesdays, and goes back down on Wednesdays when I understand that the world will keep going. I did not sleep on Saturday but I did sleep yesterday, bless that night that will make a difference.

I am going off my meds, in fact I have stopped taking them about 48 hours ago. The reason is that while I went to the doctor seeking more or different medication, I’m also trying to conceive, and because there is minute risk I feel it is simpler to stop. I have a prescription for a psychiatrist and a prescription for meds (because I have to evaluate what is riskier for a baby, my anxiety or the meds…), but, it’s easier to just stop. I will see my psychologist, stop drinking, exercise regularly, and I have a vacation in a week!

I regularly feel attacked down to my core and react with overwhelming anger, outrage, panic, tears and more. Some people are easy triggers for me, in fact they don’t need to do anything, I can make up huge schemes about them while they are not really acting on it, but I know they are a threat and I have little defence - I am not built to handle confrontation well. It goes internal fast and furiously.

I wonder if this is about confrontation. There is something else, I have always been quite an easy target for someone who knows where to push. This is why I have become so introverted and had created a pretty tough shell growing up. This is my defence, to hide where I am fragile.

Looking for other jobs and other fields, that may help in a random sort of way. I am trying to help. I am starting to see black. Anxiety and hyper-sensitivity I guess.

Still love my man.

Amourx.