costume

Good things
The world didn't collapse
friendly folks at new work
friendly colleague
lunch conversation with nice girls
paartys (since I have to get into it)
trois pistole
thinking of a costume
waiting for my package that is there but the damn post office closed.
ability to relax?
don't know...
luv xx

Odd Number

Good things,
a package on it's way
the short way to work
the nice people there
mad men
the glass of wine, the pills
the boyfriend calls
the friends call
the sisters
the partys

I'm a bit stressed for nothing
enjoy the paarty and put on a happy face
someone is turning some odd number of years
soon.

amourx

Esteem

I have a new job! I started today. That is only one half day. And it is fitting that i am drinking alone on a Friday at this time, which is 8:30 if you must know. I am watching Mad Men, saw 9 episodes. Love it. And my favourite is Betty. I always like the quiet ones. It makes me think of my mom too. Of my mom and dad, when they where a couple (that was before my time).

I had, before today, been not working for weeks. Well i did show up at my old work last week to wrap up and say goodbye. But other then that it has been weeks of resting for me. And in that time, I have transformed a bit. I lost weight. My friend August said I looked some 20 pounds thinner. That's great but I know the scale says only 3 pounds or so are gone. But I fit in more types of clothes and I'm starting to have my figure back.

On the inside, I went through several changes. First there was some kind of paralysis mixed with self loathing. There was only me facing my self esteem and it was low. Then there was a long period of fear. The whole transition was guilt laden for me. So it was either fear of being caught or guilt of doing something wrong, all the whilst I wasn't doing anything.

I read books and I saw a specialist. I requested some pills from my doctor and worked up my prescription. I started to see things differently. I started to workout, seeing that I had all that time. I restarted to knit, and immersed myself in it almost none-stop.

Then some sure fire sign that I am getting better, I'm buying stuff. I found shoes, and boots. One pair of each, and a couple outfits for work. I fit in nice dresses now. I purchased an order of 5 or so knitting books and a hole new set of needles. I went to the restaurant and had massages. I also held myself back at times.

I went through deep despair and high hopes, and I landed a good job. I prayed in my way, fingers crossed, kissing god. I put all of me in a clear sound place, and I pretended that I was a tree. I didn't know how many kinds of trees there were, and how they felt before. I saw some light, I did feel it and see it shine in me in a ray.

I carried fear along with me until it was unbearable. I talked about it and saw no end to it. I thought that I was doomed, until one particular morning the solution came to me straight, and as soon as i had it I felt free. And I soon as I put it in place, things have unraveled superbly for me, and I am couched in a new job after a goodbye to the other. And I have said goodbye and had closure. And I have said hello to-day,

I have started this alone, and I have been alone. I have seeked to be alone. Tonight I finish this all quiet alone. Glass of wine. All the literature, craft and culture at my fingertips. I ponder on the meaning of alone. I will keep praying in my way.

Amourx.

Mudras

Heeey, it's been a short while. I don't have the inclination to write much. This is strange, but I also don't have much appetite, or the need to knit or sew. Well, those would be symptoms. I am getting out of the rut slowly and also taming the fear that I bare. Oh what will the world do to me if it finds out what a traitorous slob of sloth that I am... was what was running down my spine all day. Not useful for nobody.

I will see my specialist only saturday. That's supposed to be a short week before my return to work, but I won't return right away. I'm not ready and this is the part that I will defend. I'm awaiting some news but I expect them late and I am a little more ready to hear bad news this time.

I picked up the David Burns book that has a complete strategy to get out of depression, I used it before and it worked. I'm reading a book on mudras (hand postures and meditations), I am meditating and moving my butt everyday at minimum, and this morning I got a training program and I will follow it to the tee. I went back to my old trainer Patricia, she's great. And I had all these sessions pre-paid from 2 years ago so it only costs me 10$ for a day pass, since I am not a member.

I am not trying to bore you with minute day things but that's what is coming out of me. After my session, I went home, started to read, and fell asleep for a couple hours. Very deep sleep. It feels so good. I have a new rule of banning TV, it's the first day. It's a good idea. My mood has lifted this morning, I felt it. I am more neutral now.

Another rule that I have is to accept every invitation that I get. Well yesterday I didn't go to the movies with copain, but he's an exception. Tonight I am going to the South Shore for dinner and drinks, not too many. If I would listen to my ass I wouldn't go, but hey, I gotta.

Amourx.

Crepe Suzette

The pear turned up in an unexpected crepe suzette this morning. It was good but I am still digesting it. It's not an easy fruit to eat.

Speaking of which, I have got to shape up and ship out. I have been a major zombie for 10 days now, except for never turning down an invitation. Yesterday it was my mom, and we did the movies and restaurant thing. Both where good although I was less than a wreck.

It's safe to say that I'm a prey to 'what happens', to what I don't control, and my mood will make major swings according to what life throws at me. It's safe to say that I wouldn't feel safe turning down my career. I guess that I have to be honest with myself. The artist writer gardener knitter mother? yogi socialite is not me now. I don't feel safe with that. I need the hole buzy-ness to fill the void because it terrifies me.

How can I feel better and appease both sides of me? ha. well. I have almost 2 more weeks to pounder on that one. My guess is: meditation, outdoorsy things and sports, and also... I will see my psychologist and he will say that I am a nutter for choosing the career. But he's a grounding element in my imaginary fortress. He will be so brutally rational. And there are the pills. They worked wonders last time so it's sound thinking that they will help again. Maybe not just yet though, it's too soon, and my situation is to bizarre, to tell.

Off I go planning a session with a trainer. I have 11 of them so I will use them if I must pay an extra 10$.

It's mind-boggling what happens in transitions. I prefer to let it ride.

Amourx.

Fear

Remember the fruit that I had at arms length, that smelled like a pear? Well it fell off the tree and made a thump sound. I have been devastated all week-end and my options are opening and narrowing at the same time. I feel the void like a heavy weight on my shoulders and in my chest. I have this fear and a lot of mixed emotions to sort out and I hear a ticking clock too.

I've been good at staying active if not positive during the week-end. I went indoor climbing and passed an unplanned and unprepared climbing accreditation! Then I went to the mountain but not at the top. Copain followed me all thru it. He made some portuguese chicken yesterday too (I count that as a thing on my list, somehow...). I also went to the yoga class on friday.

A couple things that I can do to stay sane:
-try to get an earlier meeting with my specialist
-make a schedule involving seven hours of 'work' and sticking to it.
-write down and rationalize my mixed emotions
-write down my options
-meditate and calm down

Good things:

At least 2 more weeks of rest.
A healthy body.
Sunny days.
Friends and family.

You can't always say what you want

It has been a week since I am on sick leave from work. I'm sitting thinking, knowing, that I need to move on. I am a like a lady in waiting, but waiting for what? Is it me or is my life the most passive thing on this earth. Is it me or am I not happy?

I am not terribly depressed. Perhaps I should celebrate just this. This break saved me, I think. And the intervention from my doc, and the niceties from my friends, and... probably pills too but it's only been two weeks. They shouldn't work yet but with me it's possible that they do. I can feel my pupil getting wider. The main thing is the break.

So here's to that. I'm trying to get at what's bugging me. Cause I am sooo passive. I sleep so much. Give me no boundaries and I will find a way to walk all over them. Soo maybe I need a little structuration. You can't always do what you want.

I have pushed back on calling my specialist because I didn't want the confrontation. Turns out he was out of town anyway. Now I think it would do me a little good. I've gone numb. I guess the last couple week, even months, where hard for me. But something is nagging me now.

Like the life I wanted? The one by the water? (I am just an unfortunate train track away from the water). Believing? I think that's kind of gone for a while. Faith in me. The ability to change things. I can't even say what I want. Hmm.

What if I just rambled on about my days. They are not so devoid of interest. If the greater hours of my life where taken for work, then I would not have this void to look at. However, I like to look at this void far better than at my work inbox.

There is a yoga class in 30 min. that I could pop into. My ankle may be ready for it now. What about my mind. Seems I don't want to be in any thing that has set time. Is this backlash?

I'm happy that my 'condition' isn't bad and will only get better. I'm waiting for a call. I'm going to the class.

Amourx.