Changes

Ça vaut le coup de faire le point ce soir. Je me sens à une croisée...

Je suis un peu déçue des points qui ont été retenus sur mon éval. Mais elle était quand même bonne. Il faut que je vois plus grand et plus loin, et ça sera mon objectif cet année, voir au delà de ces petites choses, travailler sur le fond, et laisser aller l'éphémère.

Pour l'amour, j'ai revu une vielle flamme et ça a raviver l'attirance vraiment fort. Là c'est bon le temps a passer. Mais je me demande encore si c'est lui mon homme. Si je le contacte je crois qu'il va embarquer, et moi avec. J'ai vu un danger là, et j'y ai penser très fort pendant une semaine.

Puis il y a eu une soirée de filles à oublier, car une 'copine' a sauter les plombs et m'a gueulé après bien pire que du poisson pourri à la fermeture d'un bar, car elle croyait, ivrogne qu'elle était, que je lui piquais son mec. C'était violant, et en y pensant, je suis encore secouée et dérangée par l'expérience même plusieurs jours après.

Puis, boulot boulot. Je tombe lentement du mois de crise. Je me sens fragile et émotive, normal, faut pas que j'en fasse un cas.

Mon turque m'a téléphoné! C'est la 2e fois que je réponds. Il m'a fait écouter de la musique turque longtemps, il était à un concert. Et puis il m'a parlé. Il était en train de boire, Il va m'emmener voir des spectacle, il s'ennuie, il m'aime, il m'embrasse... C'était quand même bien de pouvoir lui parler, un peu magique. J'ai quand même peur, ou encore des doutes. Je ne sais pas si j'y vais en fait. Des fois je veux plutôt aller dans le sud.

Je ne veux pas perdre l'idée de ma vielle flamme et moi, non plus. Il me semble, il m'a semblé, qu'il était ma solution, quand je l'ai vu. Et là je l'oublie.

Damn.

Amourx.

Far Away so Close

I had a date with my lover. This time it was really nice on the internet. I am far from him but it was lovely and sweet. I love his face. We listened to music and are happy just staring at each other like kids. Me thinks maybe he's the one. But so far.

I have had messages from other men. My ex-ex for one, a very strange and dangerous thing it is for me to see him again, but I will as for closure or for the natural way life goes on. Today I rested a lot. I am worried of things dragging on, things I don't have time to care for, the little things. And I wish I wrote my pen and paper journal about all the things that happened, put my Turkey photos up. Life is going fast and I have been sick. Resting today is making it better I am sure.

Amourx.

Cocketry

I wish that I could chat with a lover, now. I am lucky because I often do. I chatted with one this morning. He is a million miles away, but we chat everyday, mostly about love.

I am elated when I think of it. And, I have never kissed him, never touched him any longer than a handshake. We were together in the world for 2 hours tops, and from that time I have been sailing away, and he, chasing me like a man would.

Very few men in my neck of the woods.

So can you tell that I am happy? It's not only him, there has been more goodness in my life. I'm still off balance, worse than before, because of unforeseen crunch time out of the realms of normalcy at work. I'm playing like a pro and not losing my oumpf, but... balance is off. Weight is on. Coquetry is still in, and this is a good sign of the overall moral.

More goodness in the form of friendship and other flirts yes.

And a full calendar of fun.

And another trip to Turkey to come.

Amourx.

Turkish Delights

There is a lot to catch up on and I have a few minutes in the early morning. My trip to turkey was wonderful, one of my best ever with two girlfriends, nothing went wrong. Everything reminds me that leaving my ex has turned me into a happy girl with an easy way about life and people. I am actually social and sometimes chatty, even. I will not date an antisocial downer dude ever again.

I haven't been healthy with stress and food or sleep. The trip, plus big work crisis management, plus boys... Yes boys. I actually have a platonic internet relationship with the most romantic sweetheart that lives in turkey. I call him a boy but rest assured he is in his thirties. It's just that he is romantic from another era, almost. It is right to call his world another era, it is so different. I will have to end it soon, I keep thinking, and our little hearts will hurt.

I had a beautiful birthday with friends, colleagues, family... Probably also the best ever. And if this is the year of best then I declare it so.

I have a vow of regaining health and finance control, but work is interfering with yoga this morning. Balance it hard to attain.

Amourx.

Tides

I hereby declare me Calm and Free.

If I write too much I will get tedious, and I may already be so. But this conversation with myself helps in a way, I hope you don't mind.

In the tedious there is work which is intense but contained. I shouldn't mind too much, but I miss knitting. There is a trip shortly that will take me away. And then also... me and men. It's a hole new ballgame.

The spirit is ok, is good even. I'm a bit afraid, but that's a good sign. I would welcome the calm back in, for a while, until the new tide rolls in.

Amourx.

The Crack Thing.

A two-weeker. I'm in mourning for a two week lust affair. There was a lot that opened and I can easily wax authentic poetics about a passionate albeit short and stunted affair. I could be melodramatic about it, I could tell you that I even saw marriage and family -- it's crazy how things go to your head fast, or mine at least. The bigger point is that I melted. The big iceberg that I was completely and drastically melted. To the point that fire is getting hard to contain. But I ended it, and even if I mourn it, I am proud of me.

Lately in my life, I have become more rational in my thought process. It's helping me to keep emotions from taking over my life and to make decisions that will help me gain self esteem, which is the one thing that I have to protect above all. It's hard for me to favour cold hard facts over the beautiful thing that happen when your heart open's up. Cause it did, or at least a big crack gave in and light came out, or in. I could say beautiful and touching things about it forever. But, it's over and I don't want to fall into that. I have been uniquely good enough to tell him sweetly that it won't work. He sweetly confirmed it, keeping an absolutely no strings attached door open that I won't open. I can't because of the crack thing.

Instead I will be rational and learn to love it. Because what I have to protect is fragile, and I'm ok with that. I will be the one who takes care it forever. I'm hoping to meet a lovely man, but I'll be patient and ward off fear. It's tough getting a hang of this self esteem thing.

I have one night to cry if I want to. I won't. This feels more like a lovely deception. The thoughts are mostly sweet. No adult was hurt during filming. And I don't cry much anymore, not like I used to. Should I tell you that I had all kind of crazy fiery thoughts going on last week-end and that it ended with a deep massage by a pro, who just happened to be exactly what I needed? Now I don't feel as fiery, but I'm definitely still porous, open and fragile. It's expansive, it's what I wanted.

Tonight I'll think of my masseur and sleep well. And Man, I wish you a good night.

Amourx.

At Least it was Consumed

There is very little I can do with texting as my only means to an unavailable man. I don't think that I can even sulk. And I don't know how to find answers to my problem on the internet. The only answer is to find another man. And the better answer is to stop thinking, stop focusing on him (even if it's so lovely). Start focusing on me again, cause I will lose my all if I leave my head in hope. Think of him like a lost hope, a quickie one, that at least was consumed once. I think that I can be at peace with this.

Start meditating on myself. Start looking inwards. I know that I am radiating something now that my libido is back in full fledge. I could find another lover. And Man, I am still looking out for you. Not going to stop.

Just need a couple slaps in the face and I'll be fine. In retrospect, this was a very lovely adventure, nice in all respects. A lovely man. And now, I can move on to the next one. It's not mean, it is what it is. He is one type of man and there are others. And I will be pleased. He wasn't my best. I'll be fine. I'm fine.

The plague is all gone, drying up.

Amourx.