Dang

I am still EMOTIONAL.

Olive

I made a new room. It has my faithful machine propped up at just the right height, a barely there chair, also perfectly ajusted. My brand new keyboard lies beside the computer, waiting for me to play it. My room has a window and a door with blinds that I can open and close. It has shelves and space for things. It's of a calming, dark olive green. The closet doors don't close just yet, because my gear of all kinds has been shuffled in there as I was creating space. It's not crammed, it's just waiting to be picked up. I make my rooms slow-ly.

It's quiet, except for the machine's infernal fan noise, and the occasional train (but I like the trains). Outside of the door, there is a balcony, and a few steps that take me to the future parking lot that I won't use. This week-end, they have put the grass in and planted shrubs and small trees in front and back of my home. I love my home. I will take my one plant back inside for the night.

I took Friday off which made sense because I was poorly. I am over the depression bout I think, I hope. At least what has caused it has progressed. And this is far more interesting than if I had kept things in. Better to have toxic out than toxic in, even if it disturbs (and I so hate disturbing!).

I don't know what comes next. It will be interesting to see if I will be traveling or not. And if I will be miserly or thrilled, edified or dumbified. I don't hold all the cards, but I will fight my battle if I must, as usual. Using my head, my heart and my own two legs.

In other breaking news today, I'm on a 'boot camp' diet. 1200 calories per day my friends. Very well balanced though, and with delicious, surprising, recipes. I do not feel deprived at all. Maybe a little light headed though. This is only for 10 days, then I'll move onto 1500 until I'm back to my normal size, then I'll move onto 1800.

A hole new room, enveloping and calming. Solid. Who would of thought!?

Amourx

Comme Édith

Bien que j'ai tout fait au mieux de ma personne, avec les failles qui vont avec, je me sens encore crasse ce soir. Ce sentiment est le plus vilain de tous, je ne veux que le nettoyer. Mais la vie est comme ça, sale. Normal, immaculée, elle serait beaucoup moins intéressante. N'empêche, je pense toujours à Lhasa, qui se sent coupable par habitude, comme nous toutes.

Je ne suis pas coupable, mais je me sens crasse pareil. Un petit pas pour la kat... Je préfère de beaucoup les fausses notes, les risques et l'inconnu, que le contraire. Surtout quand c'est fait pour une bonne cause. Me défendre, c'est plutôt nouveau. Et encore, je ne regrette rien.

Amourx

Tara.

Next

Well I'm waking up tonight in a bad place. Recent events at work has affected me much, I'm... depressed. And I looked at my bank account. Time to start budgeting, because I probably have spent for the next year. That's alright, I have reasons.

I am still in my condo, in my own peace. I have things to do for the next year even if i wasn't going to spend a dime. Even if I didn't work per say. Things to do for a life.

A position in Amsterdam was nearly offered to me, it got jinxed by the unfortunate recent events. I wasn't going to relocate tomorrow anyway - and this is what they would of wanted. I need time. I have to learn, an organization will care for itself first and foremost. It's not about me. I'm in charge of that part.

I'm definitely fragile. I had gained a calm assurance and a gigantic drive that came with experience, good relations, and drugs (the legal kind). I still have them, yet I feel like the floor was pulled away from beneath me. One relation has tainted everything else. I can rationalize that my equation is wrong, but I can't shake the feeling tonight.

Good things of today

The rain showers (really)
My boyfriend's joke
The clean, ordered clothes
The multiple coffees
The comfort of my home
The solo lunch break
Thinking of what comes next

Onwards, onwards.

Amourx.

Mousse

I did hear Archie say 2 words that he may have learned from me, today: Context and Error. Do I trust him more? No. That would be for another life (yes, that's over my dead body). For this one, I'll keep my stance: Pro-fes-sion-nal. It's Easy.

That's all - I am that simply content.

And happy about everything else I have - I am rich, like chocolate.

Amourx.

Revolution Nonetheless

This day is meaningful. Why? Is it random, like the proverbial box of chocolate? Is it moon tuned? Who knows.

It started yesterday, with a full-on argument with my new boss (also known as the plant). The things I heard, friends, aren't very good. But I wasn't surprised. Now the resentment he feels for me is out in the open. Me? I remained professional, even if I had a few tears during the shout out. The resentment I feel for him, well, it changed. I'm getting to know him, and I am surprised, impressed, dumbfounded, about his approach to work and to me. Apparently he has a charm side. I've just never been there.

It's not boring. I've been good at not caving into sadness and such. Cause even coming from someone that I don't exactly admire, the words did hurt. I keep checking to make sure that I'm not that lowly person. I reassure myself - his litany really wasn't founded. Then I feel the prickly stab of unfair - it's unfair! My critique to him is the same as I addressed to the company he came from (but maybe he was the problem?): all talk, zero substance. This isn't great ammunition.

People, this is war. It's going to be a cold one. A tranquil revolution as my people do, if you will.

Exhausting. But, that was yesterday! What did I do today? Why is today so meaningful?

Well I totally re-fell in love with my beau. He is FUN. AND, we talked about things we never talk about. Things that are confronting, like... adults! Well I never! I mean, 'confronting'. That wasn't even in my vocabulary, like, yesterday.

This morning, I reclaimed the last piece of property I had in my old apartment, a door lock. There, my old arch-nemesis, the owner, and I, talked like long time friends while beau unscrewed the lock and replaced it with a fill-in lock. I even earnestly gave pointers to the owner, showing him how he could take a wall down, make better use of the space here and there. He took note and seemed honest when he said that I had good ideas, that he had never thought of that. We gave each other a farewell and wished us luck. Civilization has turned upside down!

Well, I guess that I have a new person to worry about, but calling him arch-nemesis would be a bit much. I think that we're meant to look up to arches.

And the day beautifully finished with beau and I putting leaning shelves up together and placing the ladder in my bathroom, where I will finish the day in the most relaxing bath ever.

Did I say I spent 400$ today, without blinking.

I think that I'm onto something ;-)

Amourxxx

Self Stuff

Hints of despair are hitting me in the background - I recognize myself. The hurt girl with a life that I could only grasp with hindsight, and only by pieces, not enough to solve the puzzle completely. I've become so rational now. No. I have unwarped the formless ball of emotion that was my interface with the world. I learned to un-ra-vel things in their time, like space between words when you speak. This came late - but it pays back a lot. I don't cry very often now. I talk.

So i'm learning a few things about myself. I'm fast pace. I WANT stuff. I'm action and concrete. I Celebrate. I'm outspoken, of all things. I'm hungry, and I'm content. I am not so afraid, and not so lonely. Not lonely, I should say. I'm still very sensing and emotional, but that doesn't rule now, it assists.

The old me was too fragile, too hurting. It didn't work, for all the respect I have.

But today, I'm under the weather and immobile, and I feel stuff that I used to feel. Aaah, there it is, that old me. I'm gonna let her in. The sadness is here now. It was permanent then. It's an old (wise?) friend.

Going back into a ball where I don't have to speak, don't have to appear, just be on my own. And see what comes out of it.

Amourxxx