Grace of action

My body, how I feel thee. Dark evening Monday of October, days of the dead just around the corner, rebirth of moi, but thanks giving for the moment, or as I read today and highly prefer, Grace of Action day (from Action de Grâce, en français).

Coming here to talk about my body, my self, my fatigue. I have had a system shut down but I don't know when it started. I have lived lot of stressful change this year if I go by the books, no need to list them. Well, where am I today? Tired, and still.

Breathing while lying flat on my back is the exercise that I can do. I hope that it helps both in energy, and in unlocking tension and complexes. I am so indecisive, that I can't steer me at all. What energy it would take. So all that crap, I hope that the breathing helps. I'm sure it does.

I have a fat Buddha in my living room kitchen. I always thought that it was popular in the West because it symbolized wealth. In Thailand, you rarely see that Buddha anywhere, they are all lean and much more composed. I dig this jolly Buddha though. It came by a series of conjectures, from my dad's house. It's a natural with the big Ananas on it's side. Sorry but pineapples are a lot more fun in French. Ask any kid.

Money hasn't been an issue lately, ho-hum.

So let me explain my 'system shut-down'. It's been a long time since I really felt my body from the ground up. In the past couple months, I have stopped all physical conditioning completely, but this is not where it all began. It began before I signed up for the gym and did the programs, before I rode my bike into the new route, and before I tried dieting for a very short lived period. I have a hectic life, demanding work, and traveling that has taken complete priority -- but it started before that. In all honesty, I was mentally burned out last year at this time, and I never took the time off to recover.

No regrets! It explains why I'm an escargot today, that's all. It's good to know what the bottom looks like. I'm not going to join into a bootcamp exercise program anytime soon, but I'm getting my head wrapped around a plan for the cross-country ski season right now, ya man. Slow, and steady.

What's bugging me about this system-shut down: sex drive has never been so low EVER. Everything still working fine and beau still tagging along and all that, but it's not nearly acceptable. As if I weren't physical at all, the body turned into a soft comfy pillow to drag around with some effort (I am quite weak too at this point, just opening a heavy door throws me off balance). There is zero physical feeling inside, it's off limits. Breathing is helping I think, I know that the pills are partially responsible for the weight and the zoned-out cushy feeling inside, but there are other factors--it's more subtle and complex than that.

Also, I have aged so much this year... This body is old, squeaky bones, flabs, gravity, boobs heading towards the equator, loss of balance and bones that seem to be setting where there used to be joints. And volume. All this in a year, it's very taxing. Again it's easy to say that the pills are doing this, and I swear that they are, but stopping there doesn't get me anywhere.

My tailbone is wanting to stick out since I damaged it in the back of a Russian pick-up truck, in a 9 hour road trip in Laos. The inflammation has worsen now and sitting hurts, maybe it will come out into a tail.

So, still, as a usual general life update, I am still maintaining my home quite well. I cooked chunk roast and such. Have propped furniture up (well beau did), and now, I'm making a sports training plan. Ha.

And that my friends is why I am so quiet and still.

Amourx.