Future Life Ripple

Girl is broken again - flat out on a rainy Saturday afternoon. I slept dreamless in the middle of the day, so deep. The rain is working with me, saying 'Aye woman, stay home'.

The root of my trouble is deep seated fear, almost unconscious. It explains the dark, bold stance that I take - the rebel, fearless youth me. But the predicament I don't control, i can't do anything about the uncertainties of my world, so I have to live with a deep seated, almost unconscious, fear.

Fatigue, body, life -- things I pay attention to now. I am taxed, but I am looking at the debt. I was too tired for yoga this Friday, I slept. But this week I did see people and enjoyed it very much in a relaxing, fun way, which makes me contented. I snapped in a yoga dvd this morning and did a routine.

Future life ripple. Let's see: there is still the writing project with an exclamation point due February. It's hard to see it with the little energy that I can master today. There is still the cross-country season training, happening at the pace of an escargot on an elliptical. I loved trying out the old fashion ski machine (and I have to work the hamstrings!).

There is still the economizing, but I tell you, i wish it would go down faster, the debt. I still love to throw huge chunks of money at it, but the bill is still high -- getting my expense account check will make a significant difference, my hotel bill in Ams is on it.

There is still the good housekeeping. Threading above water with stuff and dishes and clothes returning to their place after use. Love to cook and bring my lunch to work on occasions. Got the bench and the table propped up and they are a wonder in their place. Seeing other things waiting to be installed, all in time (and specially in energy). Not spending that much I think.

Oh and one big realization that my own 'mojo', my own animality, sensuality, fire... it's been bottled up real tight a good while back. I've been looking and it's not there. Not good. Something happened to it and I have to get back in touch. Gonna go back there and get it, wish me luck.

Better get well rested now.

Amourx.