Opportunistic Fracas

How about some good things!

Being at peace in the great fracas

The yellow tomato pasta hmmm

My loooooove

Talks amidst the great fracas

Sailing across it all

Opportunity

Knitting his sweater - a must i didn’t know about before I did it

My sooooofa’s new cover : linen, cotton, viscose pretty

How it camouflages with his sweater in progress

Always wanting to ski, but I can’t haha

Tomorrow’s friday

Working at home yesterday

My house clearing up

Series

Having lunch at home twice

My new computer in the fracas

Ease

Amourx.

2014 Start

I’ve had a great christmas and new years break. It started really well with a short skiing afternoon, a longer day hike, visiting families over christmas, both his and mine. His family had rented a very sweet Auberge in Val David. New years was celebrated in a very bad venue with god-awfull music, but with good friends so I had great fun anyway.

However, it is January 4 and I haven’t set foot outside in 2014 yet. I intend to today. We’ve had arctic weather in the -40 C. Also I have some kind of stomach flu and very low energy, so I spent those days sleeping, reading, knitting, cooking, and watching films. 3 days indoors is excessive and I’d like to get back out in the world today.

I have some doubts and worries about going back to work on Monday. I try to remind myself that I have no control on those things, externalities. I admit it’s haunting me a bit, but I won’t beat myself up trying to prepare.

Sooo it’s not easy. On the good side I am so in love with my man and we’re having great times together. My home is warm and getting together slowly. I don’t lack anything and have a few tricks up my sleeve: focus on my wellness and faith that all will be well in its place.

Amourx.

40

Yes! I turned forty two days ago and I am getting used to it. Truthfully as everyone says, it’s similar to the days before and probably the days after. I’m not unhappy about the number, even if it’s bigger than I ever thought I’d get.

Since this past summer, I have been able to resolve the debilitating anxieties that made work infernal, and were a danger to other spheres in my life! First I booked a therapist but not long after, I knew I had to switch to my old medication - I did and two weeks after, I received a lot of comments about how I looked better and seemed happier and smiley. I was. I keep getting these comments now, and more to the point, I know that the cloud has lifted. I’m glad because this particular type of cloud is heavy on social phobia, distrust, fear, withdrawal and paranoia. Yeech. I stopped seeing my therapist after two or three times, not necessary. It’s crazy how this particular medication create balance and ease for me - such a relief!

I am now deeply happy. My lover has moved in earlier this month, and his things are fitting in with my things just right, just like us. We had our birthdays this month, both were happy events, not quite finished. Beautiful lilies are blooming and withering next to me and I am writing in their perfume.

We are still trying to get pregnant, and since it has been a while we will seek medical assistance. I hope it works out. It’s true that at this point, we are only hoping for a positive test. I guess the other worrying stuff and figuring out how to adapt for a baby or two comes after.

I recently got back deeply into knitting. I don’t know if this is a medicine side-effect, or it’s just a sign that I am healthier and feel like going deeply into fiber and textile stuff. I guess there is a combo of possibilities of creating things, giving, getting recognition, studying colours and soothing textures and techniques. It’s not terribly hard, quite easy in fact. And very repetitive - this part means auto-pilot can be switched on, it stops my mind from rambling on away, and this too is soothing I think.

I always seek to be soothed.

Trips and more celebrations are upcoming - not a boring moment ahead. Work is intense, but lets not delve there. Lets all be happy and warm this november and on.

Amourx.

Livelihood

I have done a lot of good things which are definitively helping balance the inner feelings. Guilt comes a lot for a visit. It’s been a four day long week-end and I shall list the good things I have done:

        Doctors appointments

        Expense account

        Bought an amazing bike

        Went on a great long ride

        Had pik-nik in the park with beau, ate portuguese chicken with wine at Mont-Royal

        Went on an amazing bosu tonus class

        Saw a bad movie and went to bad restaurant with mom and Chantal

        Deep cleaned my bedroom inside out to make room for beau

        Went to the specialist

        Took my meds and vitamins

        Had lovely long walks in the city

        Did salsa class twice and it’s not easy

        Gave bags and bags of stuff to Army Surplus and more will come

        Ordered fab sofa and cushion covers

So I guess I filled my time with good things to do and I will continue. Internally I feel guilt and will say why here: guilt of not having a social activity for beau and my colleague from Tokyo, I should add for myself too but I don’t feel the need, so guilt for retreating from social things and avoiding relations. Guilt for not going to the beach yesterday while it rains today. Guilt for not thinking about work. Worried now about work.

I had to let go a girl on Thursday and this is hard and difficult. I don’t feel guilty or only remotely because it couldn’t be helped. But I worry about the impact on my team and what I need to do to keep things on track and good. My company is losing money year by year and this is not a good climate to work in. I feel guilty because I am not providing a solution and I prefer to try to leave - but I still go through the motions of course while I am there. There are people’s livelihood in there not just mine.

So why do I focus on guilt? I think this is my pathology. While I am feeling this I do a lot of things, so that I don’t feel stagnation and it helps. I could add my worry list here but would it help? Maybe not.

I do love my life and appreciate my health --I haven’t been sick lately and this is new to me this year-- my livelihood, my skills, my dreams, my friends, family and beau. I simply feel vulnerable.

That’s how I described myself at work, like a hare running away from hunters and farmers trying to steal the ground under my feet. Always a target, I seek shelter.

Amourx.

        

        

        

Week Deux

I’m better than last week because I have been sleeping well. Work wasn’t too bad, I have a lot and need to keep making decisions that I don’t like but it’s doable. I signed off friday and didn’t think about it till now monday morning, last few minutes before I get there.

What’s happening is that I am doubting my inner self now. I don’t know if going to the psychologist is making it worst. I have been sleeping, resting a lot and my house as you know is not ready. It’s a bad piece of karma or something. Life is not so bad. Stayed home with my beau most of the week-end. Thinking super negative so:

I have a home, a job and a boyfriend. I earn a lot. I have a lot of holidays. I have friends. I’m pretty-ish. It’s a nice month. My office is beautiful. I have dance lessons. I have a beautiful smile. I have supporters. I’m trying to make a baby.

Have to act more think less.

Amourx.

Monday's Manics

Back from a week holiday plus worked today. First things first I am back on meds since yesterday and I can’t wait to feel relief if it happens. I spent every night of my holiday walking up in panic with a knot encompassing my hole torso, most days silent in dissappointment and loneliness. I wasn’t alone, but I felt it so.

Then work was only ok, lasted long and nothing changes in a week anyways. I barely know if I can manage a day, then I do, still spend most of the day judging myself and shy about asking and saying and doing but I do. I also plow through cause I have to. I am in a bad place.

Although not so bad, i know this is perspective. I am ok, healthy etc. Just so alone, retracted and scared - with that burning panic in my bosom, constantly braising.

And my man was there for 3 minutes between our 2 trips. And I loved to see him for those times and knew that he was mine forever.

I ate a lot and I’m not sure if I should list all the activities I do well and those I don’t, to count things and judge more. When i have a moment I want to sleep it or eat it. Missed salsa there i said it, cause I was still at work, said it too.

And so I shall have another bowl of soup, my meds, some fizzy water and to bed. I try to keep things clean and good.

Amourx.

Self help

I thought I should record my days without meds. Last night I lied away for half the night it seems like. I was having these angry, worried thoughts that I can never shake. Feels like the great humiliation is upon me - and I am wee child trying to avoid the end of the world, before I get to the cathartic its-not-my-fauuuult moment. I woke again in the morning with the same feelings. Unshakable.

I listened to podcasts during the night and afterwards I started to name and feel every part of my body to tell it that I love it. I think this is a good strategy no? At least I know that it is greatly perception that is taking me here. I’ve been here before. I don’t know how to get out of it.

My psychologist didn’t return my email yet. I’m still not drinking, went to salsa class yesterday but missed my yoga this morning because of the lack of sleep. The day is beautiful and I think that my challenge is to see the nice things. There are plenty including my beau. I’m not really feeding myself carefully lately, it’s always an afterthought, but today I am bringing soup to work.