Stepping back

I think that my job is about keeping the wheels in motion as we roll up the mountain. Today, well starting yesterday, I shut down work and popped in a movie -- Coco and Igor, it starts with a wonderful kaleidoscope intro -- and fell asleep on it, quite simply. And this morning I didn't run. And I am not in the office yet at 8 o'clock, and I didn't check my email once.

It's about to be christmas, you know. I'm lucky to have welcoming, appreciative colleagues and pleasant work environment, what I didn't have before. I'm thinking that there is a 3 month period of harshness, then a 6 month period of getting into the spin, and then, I should be more comfortable. Plus I will have a hollerday.

Maybe I have to look at my life more long term. Be easy on me. And stuff.

Relaxing, like I do now, is amazing. I shall have some more of this.

Luvx.

Descentes

I had a bad night, and my mind is still captive of things to do, things to remember, as if all threatened to run away with the wild horses. My thoughts are obsessive about one thing, and for once I can't blame the one thing: work, because the pressure is mine.

Today I didn't run because of the night I had. Perhaps the strong beer was not a good idea. Taking the wrong pill at night, too, I think. I worry more than folks can imagine. I am not depressed. I don't remember my dreams. I am hoping for a good day.

Amourx.

Deep belly

These days are amazing, I have to admit.

Nothing much is expected of November, even after it turned over to December. The blurry dusk, everything wrapped in a daze, we witness the change of time drawing itself until the first blizzard comes. We celebrate in the dark, and secrets are shared. At some point we will have a new year, but not today.

Me, I'm having a spell. This morning I did the tree as I walked to work (this is a hand posture or mudra), and I was told about the oak tree and the reed at the end of it. I hear a deep belly laugh as I type, hahahaha what an amazing story today was.

Good things:
The blizzard
The huge, beautiful new knitted scarf!
The appropriateness of finishing the scarf the day of the blizzard
The morning walk
The warm bright lights and the coffee
Commuting in 10 minutes
The friendly colleagues
The eye of danger
The easy ticket to the show

luvxx

Little Hero Wannabe

Today, well. It was a day where things collapse together, so tightly they need to be bundled into too little time. A day when blank head space happens when asked a simple question. But the key to today is Containment. This was contained, and I am now free of it (but reminded that I need to keep my iphone close for work related emails).

Perilous work, how I somehow strive in it at times. Little hero wannabe, you have to be one to do this.

Outside of that perimeter, well... I took the morning walk (the jog was getting taxing, so I took an easier route today). I did the plant (luminotherapy) and the tree (meditations) and my mind is quite sane, and my energy seems good. Why I'm even back into knitting, contemplating the scarf and its last repeat before I can wrap myself in its glory. The new morning regimen, on day three, is quite positive.

I received some needed positive feedback, today. The crucial meeting was postponed, giving me time. The impossible is being met as much as I can foresee. Things are contained.

Maybe with this chance of equilibrium, I can start looking at the other spheres. The other spheres.....

Amourx.

Hoarding

Well lets see now - how are things...

The scarf is almost finish and it is something else of a wonderful wonder.

I am in front of - unmeetable goals. I'd say, I'm quite certain, that it has nothing to do with me.

Significant pre-emptive guilt and anxiety about those goals.

Losing control by the amount of stuff coming in. Unsettled by peers that i don't control. Almost remotly satisfied that in one spot, i am doing the impossible quite well.

This all relates to work, and if I would be balanced, there would be a whole world of support and work wouldn't matter so much, right? Who knows.

I am working hard around that issue and need to congratulate meself, cause I still like my new job. So.

Good things of todayz:
-the programmed coffee ready in the morning
-the dawn simulator when my bfriend is here and the first thing i see is his glowing smiley face
-luminotherapy
-the morning runs (!) with zen music, seeing the sun rise.
-the connection with something bigger than me
-the friendliness of my peers, of my clients, even
-the new knitting stuff and books that I hoard and love to hoard some more.
-the gov. job exam that i had to refuse
-the beer when I get home
-the calm
-the somber november days

For sure I have tilted today, with hindsight, about work, and I am calming now by writing, beer, and maybe by will too.

Thank you.

Day by knitting

Today my cabled scarf got mixed up. I only did a few rows and had to unknit a lot, I wasn't focused. I undid and redid a cable and undid the crossing as I went. I left this problem lay there, because I don't know exactly how to recross a cable. The wool is lovely and it the scarf is cakey (makes me think of cake). But I can't solve its problem today (I wish I could knit it on, it is as pleasing as eating cake).

So I took my simple but fine sweater and prepared to knit a lot of stockinette. The ball of yarn for this one is the tangliest thing and I also gave up trying to untangle it. It feels less like a logical puzzle solving task than a very patient and attentive one, but I don't have enough of either. I couldn't complete the cast on.

I am very tired. I let the sweater wool lay too. I have nothing to knit now. I realize I can cut the tangled ball and start a new one. Ho-hum!

So if this was to say something about today, it would be. Lots of issues, an apparent mess, some stopping of the general good order of things. All of these are true.

It's also true that I came home early to rest under the good light. That I am surfing on a chilled tangled mess.

Amourx.

Today

When I started this blog, it was to talk about depression, dysthymia, and how I progress in life with this condition. I find that going back to that subject today will be grounding. Let's do that.

I am at week 2 of a very nice new job. It has just been my 37th birthday (I find that particular number hard to digest...). I have had a sick leave from my previous job for about 6 weeks and switched job in the process. I was depressed and suffered from the climate at work. I went back on anti-depressents, started an exercise program, drastically stopped being interested in eating, managed to see my psychologist (I refer to him as my specialist) only once. And here I am.

Today I am still like this:
-I can't have a lot on my agenda. After work, even if it's been a nicely rounded day, I feel a lot of performance anxiety. I tend to want to scarf down some food (something ready made that I don't have to cook or manage left overs) and take the hole evening to rest with no activity but reading, knitting or tv.

-I still accept every invitation as a rule. They are usually a source of anxiety too. And I feel tired thinking of it. But it's a very good rule to go by when you are depressed.

-I'm still tired and have a weird relationship with food. I haven't integrated training in my routine.

-Although a new job like this is stressful for anyone, I feel lighter than I did in my old one. Even the anxiety is more easily digestible. I have to say that my role is a high visibility in the company. For an introvert like me, it's a sizeable challenge. The fit still feels natural and good.

-Thinking back, I'd say my old job was growing a figurative tumour in me. This got removed. No wonder that I am tired.

-My personal love life is an area that isn't great, but I always have a hard time knowing what to do. I don't know if I can handle a major change, but there are frustrations and a lot of unexplored territories. It's tough and probably is a source of the low energy,

-The anti-depressents are working but I may in fact get the dose up higher (like it was last time) so that the dark grey veil that I live in lifts up. When I take this medication, I realize how I felt before and how far down it was in the scale of livelihood. I am not aware of it otherwise, I am so used to it. There's still some greyness in my world and at my reasonable age, I want to live it better.