Today

When I started this blog, it was to talk about depression, dysthymia, and how I progress in life with this condition. I find that going back to that subject today will be grounding. Let's do that.

I am at week 2 of a very nice new job. It has just been my 37th birthday (I find that particular number hard to digest...). I have had a sick leave from my previous job for about 6 weeks and switched job in the process. I was depressed and suffered from the climate at work. I went back on anti-depressents, started an exercise program, drastically stopped being interested in eating, managed to see my psychologist (I refer to him as my specialist) only once. And here I am.

Today I am still like this:
-I can't have a lot on my agenda. After work, even if it's been a nicely rounded day, I feel a lot of performance anxiety. I tend to want to scarf down some food (something ready made that I don't have to cook or manage left overs) and take the hole evening to rest with no activity but reading, knitting or tv.

-I still accept every invitation as a rule. They are usually a source of anxiety too. And I feel tired thinking of it. But it's a very good rule to go by when you are depressed.

-I'm still tired and have a weird relationship with food. I haven't integrated training in my routine.

-Although a new job like this is stressful for anyone, I feel lighter than I did in my old one. Even the anxiety is more easily digestible. I have to say that my role is a high visibility in the company. For an introvert like me, it's a sizeable challenge. The fit still feels natural and good.

-Thinking back, I'd say my old job was growing a figurative tumour in me. This got removed. No wonder that I am tired.

-My personal love life is an area that isn't great, but I always have a hard time knowing what to do. I don't know if I can handle a major change, but there are frustrations and a lot of unexplored territories. It's tough and probably is a source of the low energy,

-The anti-depressents are working but I may in fact get the dose up higher (like it was last time) so that the dark grey veil that I live in lifts up. When I take this medication, I realize how I felt before and how far down it was in the scale of livelihood. I am not aware of it otherwise, I am so used to it. There's still some greyness in my world and at my reasonable age, I want to live it better.