Humility

Today. I have lost a lot of peace, my anxiety has shot through the roof it seems, but I am still functioning. It feels like pain inside, how the printer won’t work, how emails are assaulting me, how I can’t get it together. I bump into contundent corners, I speak faux pas. I have an unbearable timidity that is governed by fear of something.

It was showing its head for a long time now, at every good or bad change I went through at work. With the climate, with everyone leaving, with the industry or that place being ran over by newness that it can’t keep up with. 

Now I feel not anchored nor supported; but I lost the capacity for decisions, for actions. Something terrible happened in my surrounding. A baby not one year old, killed, by his father. Just this phrase is unbearable, I fear to traumatize people like it does me. There has been a wake and a funeral is to come. 

Of course this is worsening my state of anxiety and in this grieving and recovering from a shock that I couldn’t fathom--but the family is strong and loving and will come through, and that relieves me--I find some kindness within to let me be imperfect, awkward and limited at work. I have stopped social activities but they can wait.

My thinking head, so disconnected from my heart and body, has ideas and knows resources. I went to the doctor’s and asked for the medication that has proven to work. Now I am writing and reading self help things about meditation, then I do it my way for a few minutes. I do have exercise and nature in my horizon but they are playing a minor role today.

More boldly, my thinking head and my body have determined that I should change careers again. Every part of me is at peace with this. I chose teaching in college as something natural, doable, and good for me. For the regularity of it, the breaks, the fulfilment probably. So I can be appeased from the constant changes. So that what I do has meaning and depth. I lost the meaning and the depth I need in my current job.

Maybe as a teacher, I will have time to do other things I like such as writing. Maybe I can just rest my quiet head and tap into my self and be at peace. Maybe that’s enough.

But you know, meanwhile I am getting pregnant again very soon. It takes 9 months, I’m sure that I can heal along the way. I already feel better, just took in a deep breath.

In this state of anxiety, I live with a fear of everything, a dooming fear of the worst shame or worst sins or hurting someone or being hurt.  But then it’s just email or the printer, so I do what I have to do. It’s must harder when I need to think, expose my rational and engage others, but I still try to do it. And worst when I interact with the end clients or end consumers - I just don’t want to, but I still go through the motion.

Imagine that I had to host japanese colleagues and clients for the last few days, working all hours on a shoot with a team. Thankfully I could be kind of “accessory”  because my team is so strong and good. But I’m a director, and a perfectonist, and it’s hard for me to be that way. 

Humiliation is probably the thing I fear the most, I live my life to avoid it. No one in my entourage is mean enough to abuse the situation that way, it’s very much an exaggerated fear. I find I can replace it and think about humility, and kindness to myself just like my peers are kind to me.

So this idea of changes of career, I don’t know how or when. I filled out a digital application though! And my step-mom will help, I have an army of teachers in my family. I know that I’m gifted when it comes to learning and probably teaching, and going through the hoops to get in. But, my work, the funeral, is enough to handle for this week.

Amourx.

Apprivoiser la bête

Mercredi et des soubresauts dans mon corps. Une fébrilité hypersensible, qui me fait vivre des émotions forte tout le temps. Je crois que c’est mon état normal. Je le joue en me plongeant dans diverses activités, en prenant du recul, en tranchant mon temps et j’en garde pour le repos. 

Le soleil a plombé hier lors du lunch où j’ai parlé du Costa Rica, mon voyage au pays des merveilles, à ma collègue.

Disons que j’ai les sens à vif, c’est ce que je remarque dans mes billets du passé, les petites paroles et gestes me pénètrent et sont senti comme des affronts ou des dangers. Cette lecture est probablement très subjective, mais les effets ne le sont pas.

Par contre j’apprivoise bien ça en ce moment, je suis heureuse et encouragée par le regain d’énergie que j’ai. Je me sens très bonne guerrière, et je n’arrête pas d’y porter attention.

Par exemple je cherche des occasions de vivre d’avantage, de m’exprimer - pas envers les autres, mais sur cette planète, en ce monde, je surveille les occasions de devenir la personne que je suis, si ça fait du sens. Par exemple ça peut passer par l’écriture.

Pour ce qui est de m’exprimer envers les autres, je le fait beaucoup plus spontanément cette année. Il s’est passé quelque chose. Je me suis cachée dans le passé, de honte, de peur ou pour me protéger. Je sors de ça.

Voyez, je suis heureuse! En amour, en famille, en amitiés et je m’en sors pour ce qui est de gagner ma vie. Je souhaite de tout coeur que cette spirale continue dans son sens. Le cercle virtueux ça existe. Pour moi c’est une quête de sens (meaning). Est-ce que ce qui est en moi s’exprime dans le monde et laisse une empreinte, de bonté, d’entraide, de truth sayer.

Ça a l’air d’être des voeux pieux, mais ça doit s’appliquer à l’intérieur de moi d’abord. Je veux m’appliquer à être bonne envers moi-même, une bonne amie qui construit du courage pas du sabotage, et j’ai une pulsion de dire ou de décrier ce qui es tu.

Comme l’inéquité bordel.

Amourx.

Emergencies

It’s Monday evening and I feel energized, felt like this all day. Also for once I’m not in too deep at work, and I almost get the jitters - i’m not used to this and it’s clear that I don’t have the meds anymore, so I react with a kind of intense speed at doing things and some wonder of what this feels like (new) and some worries about how I’m doing.

I came home and scarfed down some cheese and tortillas. My body’s been a bit whacked lately, its tired but it can’t stop being awake and wants to jump into what’s next like there’s an emergency. It’s my emergency to live, and I let it do that.

I also have to give me credits for this energy, because I have been constantly keeping active with gym and bike rides, or walks into nature, and I found a new Yoga place to round it up. These walks and rides in the sun mean everything to me, make me feel so alive.

Am I high? Do you think?

This evening I pulled away from work at a decent time and now I’m to do something that relaxes and feeds into my desires. Sounds easy, but it’s easier to pass this by I think. My beau has arrived, so I will bid farewell.

Amourx.

Kind

A lot is up it seems, and I have to write - not out of an impulsion, but because of the good it does to my mind, to sort things out. And also because looking back there are a lot of kernels of wisdom that I recorded in the blogs, my own kind of school.

I recently understood that my truth in life, my dharma, is about kindness, empathy and helping each other find out if we are all happy to be together. My father once wrote this to me on a piece of paper, something about cells in my body reaching out to the others, to find out if we are all still there, and still want to be together. I’m also the truth sayer, finding and revealing the tension of what is unsaid. This is my purpose I believe.

I can and must apply it to myself internally too. My life has been a roller coaster, but this path is my level. It came to me lately in the last year after reading about dharma, but also, you know, all this introspection that i do constantly.

I read backwards that I am scared to hurt others, I thread lightly in adversity with others, I am unbalanced in conflict, making it hard to support. In my natural, medication-less state, I read a lot of imminent conflict or aggression into other peoples pretty normal behaviours. If I strip out the whole journey that took me to today, I may call this a sort of social phobia. I don’t know if it helps to call it that.

I have stopped medications 2 months ago. I’ve had a life & death situation happen in winter, and coming out of this, i found an incredible compulsion to live to the fullest. I have it now, a rolling fire, that completely changes my attitude. I’m in a state of emergency to live, but also in appreciation of what I have, and understanding that I have to be kind to myself.

It’s not something I chose, not something that is reflected in my life today, but its just coming from the essence of me.

So I happen to be more active, more energized, more engaged in the very fast paced life that I have. I worry about balance, this is in my line of sight too. Not that I am doing to much, but that what I’m doing needs to align with my essence. I have a lot of truth-saying and checking if we are all alright to do. when I start doing that in the work that I choose to do, I will be rewarded.

I’m far from there in my current job, but it’s constantly shifting too accommodate me, so I wouldn’t say there is a conflict there right now. However, its time for me to do some sideline things in a freelancing sort of way. I need that freedom.

But before I start changing the world around me, I need to look inside and make sure I’m kind to myself, that I’m balanced inside, that I have my own internal freedom.

I still have family plans with my beau. We travel and eat and laugh a lot. Have good friends and a great family. A nice house and a good life. And summer has started!.

Amourx.

It's monday

It’s Monday morning and I don’t have the blues. I am even happy inside. Could be because I tried stand up paddled and cycled all day yesterday with my love, I feel it in my body today. The house state is ok, somehow held at the point of balance where it could go up or down in terms of cleanliness. We tend to go down but are working on that with baby steps.

What’s it like to be 40 in the summer? Only happens once right and why don’t we celebrate it like being 10? I feel over wrapped with a bit of extra weight hanging on. It could be the first time that I feel the garb in my arms and thighs as I move around. Dressing up has changed. Pictures put me in a size I don’t recognize. My energy has been low but I had surgery this month. Still it’s that stress and workload management, nothing new regarding this one. In fact I manage stress better than 10 years ago. But I used to be a bit more active generally and diet has been by no means exemplar. Living with a Polish man that works in a liquor store, I’ve been drinking more regularly and more casually cause it’s there. That can be accountable for my skin breakouts (that’s also new to me), low energy and extra handles, so I’m reducing and swapping wine and beer for iced tea. I started to drink diet coke at work, that’s weird too.

I’m starting my week with lots of health to-do’s. It’s true that there is much more health appointments to manage than ever, I have some that are queued up for years. I think I’m in pretty good health overall, that’s what my doctor told me at my last check-up.

At 40, I also have better working conditions than ever. My office is an architectural beauty with a pool and beer tap, and a community of workers I need to know better. If there is something I can work on during my forties is too relax and socialize more. That’s a pretty good plan for me. I have about 5 weeks of paid vacations, a good salary, nobody controlling my schedule. Can travel etc. I guess that’s a good career and I am reminded of that as a counter to heavy stress periods. It’s also litteraly a 10 minute walk a day from my home to my desk.

I will continue this thread later,

Amourx.

Lo

Its been a week of epic dreams and passing away. 3 days peak between my grandmother’s death and her funeral. A crux of piled on pressure that I somehow withhold.

In my dream I was forced in a train wreck project that needed more and more parts of me to get done, by me. Which is pretty exactly the same as my days go, except for the knee length boots that where lying around everywhere and that I would periodically step in and out of. I think I shall wear mine today to work tie the knot.

There was also a mysterious library I could walk into. It felt european or new-englandy. There was a trap that seemed to operate like this, if you where a counter-espionage person sporting brown hair with a moustache, and came with a look-alike to rent a book at the desk, you would immediately fall into a tunnel that took you away for ever. The setting lighted in red.

Not sure what this part was about, but I have just acquired a guide to American architecture. Seems related.

Lo I still love my life, my lover, the daylight and what the future may bring.

Amourx.

The glide

I thought i would write about how gooood I’m feeling on a Monday morning!! This is completely unheard of, even my Sunday night was a textbook realxing evening with my love, with the TV (House of Cards season two episode 1 - OH darlings!), some wine and that après-ski glow.

Sundays for me are usually about stomach in a knot, hamster spinning in the head and shut down of emotions in preparation for the week that comes. Mondays mornings, and all mornings, have been about how long can I stretch this moment before I get to work.

I’m not more eager to get to work, anyway I have a medical appointment today. But, this relaxed, positive and still glowy feeling? Amen.

There is the thawing of this winter, even if puffy snow abounds (thankfully for the ski and the overall prettiness), I can feel the days getting longer. But someone told me that I talk a lot about the weather, I do. Hey it’s a safe place.

There has been a few things, but most significant are two: My bosses have finally talked to me about my future in the agency. The first time in three year that I have a 10 minute talk about it. This changed everything in that I don’t feel that I have a gun to my head and about to be told that I’ve been laid off -- a scenario that is too real these days for some of my fellow colleagues due too losses.

Well, I still have evolved internally about my role, and continue to - I have detached from feeling this company as a “parent” I think. But I have to admit that the cagey place I was in has subsided in an instant. Managers need to know the impact they can have on us gee whiz. I had months, maybe a year of living in deep anxiety. But I’m proud of how I handled it all in the end.

The other thing contributing to my great glowy feeling are Ski and Yoga. I’ve been skiing every week-end with my sister and lover, and yesterday my nephew joined us. The sun, the glide, the crisp air. This is the main deal everyone. Above and beyond anything I can do to cheer me up - this is it.

I started Yoga at a nearby centre this week, and I clicked. Like when you c-l-i-c-k your ski boot in the ski. It feels so totally right, and I feel so totally good. I have felt the deep focus that I couldn’t feel for as long as I can remember. The challenging long poses. The surrender. These teachers and this centre is very good. I’m hooked.

Voilà - now off to my appointment, than work, and life continues with a promising light.

Amourx.