I am enjoying the morning quality very much. The light here is definitly bright and soft. I'm lucky to be here and in it.
I just finished my practice scarf. I call it that because I invented it for several good reasons, and I must say that it is beautiful and I would consider it edible, or definitly sleep-with material. It keeps visible signs of learning, thoughts, rythme, tension change and hasard. A keeper.
The week was hard on the body as I got used to this time zone, but otherwise it's going smoothly and lovely. I did not, ever, go out and drink tons and bike drunk and sleep in til way late. This is a first. I think it's good for me, makes me honor my 36.
Way better job opportunity here then at home and a door open to move in permanently. It's a lot more interesting when it's sunny, I admit. A bit strange, but good, that all the collegues hang out and are intimate friends too. It's easy to blend in right away. My feral nature though sometimes screams for Alone time! I'm giving it to her now.
There is nothing more -
Amourx.
Saturday, April 17, 2010
Monday, April 12, 2010
Sun
I'm happy - in Amsterdam,feels like a second home, with... no real new stress. It's probably the first time that I come here without questions, and without a self enflicted pressure to sort out my life and 'survive or be doomed' mental attitude fuck-up. Feels nice, and it's sunny too.
Amourx.
Amourx.
Wednesday, April 7, 2010
Cruise
Mornings are better than nights.
This morning, it is as dark as any november day. It will probably pour.
Sooo to calm my anxieties, I'm opting to cruise work and worry about personal items instead.
I finished my beautiful, first, sweater and am surprised that it fits and damn well it does too! Ha!
It's merino and kid mohair orgasmic cocoon wool, in Bilberry colour. It is scrumptious and elegant and comfy and soft and lustrous has a huge halo of mohair that sheds like crazy. It's a big sweater too, with big stitches. Love it.
Some defects in it, but nothing I would care about except maybe the dye lot change demarcation. The color changed slightly when I started from a new batch of yarn, part of one side looks a bit faded :(. I hope this evens out in washing but probably not. I will still wear it proudly.
This is digression... I meant to say that to calm me, I'm screwing work completely in my head. That voice? Dead to me.
Keeping up with my energy level, my own happiness and needs. The little sting of loneliness. Listening, making the most of it - that's my route.
Amourx.
This morning, it is as dark as any november day. It will probably pour.
Sooo to calm my anxieties, I'm opting to cruise work and worry about personal items instead.
I finished my beautiful, first, sweater and am surprised that it fits and damn well it does too! Ha!
It's merino and kid mohair orgasmic cocoon wool, in Bilberry colour. It is scrumptious and elegant and comfy and soft and lustrous has a huge halo of mohair that sheds like crazy. It's a big sweater too, with big stitches. Love it.
Some defects in it, but nothing I would care about except maybe the dye lot change demarcation. The color changed slightly when I started from a new batch of yarn, part of one side looks a bit faded :(. I hope this evens out in washing but probably not. I will still wear it proudly.
This is digression... I meant to say that to calm me, I'm screwing work completely in my head. That voice? Dead to me.
Keeping up with my energy level, my own happiness and needs. The little sting of loneliness. Listening, making the most of it - that's my route.
Amourx.
Tuesday, April 6, 2010
Monday, April 5, 2010
Go Better
I am starting to understand my new found passion for knitting, it is a very good outlet for anxiety.
In the past 2 years or so I have grown into a strong woman, I think, with the fending off of the depression, taking ownership of my first very own home, making my mark in my profession of the moment, and keeping it together generally.
At some point I became to be less anxious, but it comes and goes as you know. I think it's less external than before, but if I pay attention, it's still there.
Know I am at a crux where I need to change something significant in my life, like a career or a relationship or both and well, there is anxiety. There is also nagging inner voices designed to trample me all over. Guilty this and shameful that sort of voices. Those useless words that do so much work in me. And myself becoming a tapestry in hostile territory.
With that going on I'd say we are dealing with a bit of fear, therefore anxiety. Nothing out of the ordinary - it doesn't hurt, i barely am aware of it. I have a good buffer.
What's interesting in the feral kateri today is that I am calmed by knitting. It's a self contained, hypnotizing world of interlocking loops that I repeat over and over and over... There is enough rapture for knitting on the internets to keep anyone fed for more than a couple of lifetimes each. But for me it is still an easy and limited art (not in a bad way; but you wouldn't suffer from knitter's block, you know), quite pleasant to do.
I can gauge at how anxious I am by the intensity at which I read, listen, learn, shop and knit wool. I'm pretty anxious.
It does dawn at me that this is a grandmotherly activity and I don't have a single friend that knits. I have wondered if I am aging precociously, because my insides aren't behaving like they used too. Not that the two are necessarily correlated. There is also this hint of Asperger syndrom-like quality that I have, that goes well with the shutting down and repeating over and over and over and over... Something to go to where I don't have to think.
How go I, then? I guess not greatly, but I insist that as long as I am here poised with not a hint of a tear in my eye, I'm good.
But I would like to go better, soon ;) so I am making it happen.
Amourx.
In the past 2 years or so I have grown into a strong woman, I think, with the fending off of the depression, taking ownership of my first very own home, making my mark in my profession of the moment, and keeping it together generally.
At some point I became to be less anxious, but it comes and goes as you know. I think it's less external than before, but if I pay attention, it's still there.
Know I am at a crux where I need to change something significant in my life, like a career or a relationship or both and well, there is anxiety. There is also nagging inner voices designed to trample me all over. Guilty this and shameful that sort of voices. Those useless words that do so much work in me. And myself becoming a tapestry in hostile territory.
With that going on I'd say we are dealing with a bit of fear, therefore anxiety. Nothing out of the ordinary - it doesn't hurt, i barely am aware of it. I have a good buffer.
What's interesting in the feral kateri today is that I am calmed by knitting. It's a self contained, hypnotizing world of interlocking loops that I repeat over and over and over... There is enough rapture for knitting on the internets to keep anyone fed for more than a couple of lifetimes each. But for me it is still an easy and limited art (not in a bad way; but you wouldn't suffer from knitter's block, you know), quite pleasant to do.
I can gauge at how anxious I am by the intensity at which I read, listen, learn, shop and knit wool. I'm pretty anxious.
It does dawn at me that this is a grandmotherly activity and I don't have a single friend that knits. I have wondered if I am aging precociously, because my insides aren't behaving like they used too. Not that the two are necessarily correlated. There is also this hint of Asperger syndrom-like quality that I have, that goes well with the shutting down and repeating over and over and over and over... Something to go to where I don't have to think.
How go I, then? I guess not greatly, but I insist that as long as I am here poised with not a hint of a tear in my eye, I'm good.
But I would like to go better, soon ;) so I am making it happen.
Amourx.
Wednesday, March 31, 2010
Point
Oddly, my main issue at work was resolved today. I'm still digesting it but it can only be better, think I. Unless something very unexpected happens.
Well I have to admit that this week I have been laying low to have the luxury of a 9 to 5 week without much going on. I notice how hard it is. I have this reflex to be the irreplaceable one, consequently I've been working like a dog for too long. This totally goes against my grain, because I'm also a bohemian at heart that never felt at home in an institution (but I tend to hang around loose ones) and prefer to be idle for long period of times. I'm no work horse, never was.
Is this what being bipolar means? Can you be both poles at the same time? (By the way, if you're wondering, I'm not. That's not my box).
So it's hard to resist the urge to break the momentum of spending one week with normal to low work load, but it feels damn good! And I can tell it's doing me a lot of good, hence to everyone around me, right? I could maybe do 2 of those weeks...
Now I still have the strange but true knitting passion. I read it, I crave it, I listen to podcasts on it when I can't read it. I am longing for the beautiful sock needle kit I saw at the shop nearby, or any other knitting related things. I'm trying to knit my sweater real fast to get onto other things.
Anyway, I had a point which is, forget everything I ever said in this blog. I am not going to scheme up a plan to turn my life around. I am not going to seek for answers, help, or a divine intervention to get my out of any misery that I occasionnaly feel (but not today). I'm not even going to make a list!
I can see that all i have to do, is what I want. Like today, I want to knit. Just do what comes, and let it happen.
Oh side note, I was going to fix my variable mortgage this week but I missed the low rates by half a day! The difference is pretty huge. Mildly depressing it is.
Amourx.
Well I have to admit that this week I have been laying low to have the luxury of a 9 to 5 week without much going on. I notice how hard it is. I have this reflex to be the irreplaceable one, consequently I've been working like a dog for too long. This totally goes against my grain, because I'm also a bohemian at heart that never felt at home in an institution (but I tend to hang around loose ones) and prefer to be idle for long period of times. I'm no work horse, never was.
Is this what being bipolar means? Can you be both poles at the same time? (By the way, if you're wondering, I'm not. That's not my box).
So it's hard to resist the urge to break the momentum of spending one week with normal to low work load, but it feels damn good! And I can tell it's doing me a lot of good, hence to everyone around me, right? I could maybe do 2 of those weeks...
Now I still have the strange but true knitting passion. I read it, I crave it, I listen to podcasts on it when I can't read it. I am longing for the beautiful sock needle kit I saw at the shop nearby, or any other knitting related things. I'm trying to knit my sweater real fast to get onto other things.
Anyway, I had a point which is, forget everything I ever said in this blog. I am not going to scheme up a plan to turn my life around. I am not going to seek for answers, help, or a divine intervention to get my out of any misery that I occasionnaly feel (but not today). I'm not even going to make a list!
I can see that all i have to do, is what I want. Like today, I want to knit. Just do what comes, and let it happen.
Oh side note, I was going to fix my variable mortgage this week but I missed the low rates by half a day! The difference is pretty huge. Mildly depressing it is.
Amourx.
Discreet
I have a bit of an empty state of mind now. I have energy today, finally. I'm going to work. I'm thinking about another life, but this one might do. The present is bleak in some ways, and I'm sorry that I can't say more, even if there is no readers around most of the time. I've always been discreet.
Onwards.
Amour
Onwards.
Amour
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