And a partridge

I think I owe readers an account of what life on meds is doing for me. There are some obvious changes in my perception and behavior. Some good, some dubious.

I feel more grounded. I am not longer 'skinless', with nerves being hit for any imagined purposes. I could not drive before because I was too scared, having what felt like multiple near death experiences even in the passenger seat. Now, I actually like driving.

I feel a subtle pleasant 'buzz'. Like some drug educed mellowness (it is this). Particularly great in mornings and when I have a cup of coffee. Nice and mellow.

I speak out more. Without really knowing, i have started to communicate a little bit more normally. To give you an idea of how introverted I am, sometimes I think that I have some kind of autism. So, I started to 'appear' just a little bit more. It helps exponentially, for obvious reasons. Humans need to communicate with one another, it seems.
I am getting a hold of my life's elusive steering wheel, the rest of me still hanging on, dragged forward. It's not bad, i'm actually getting somewhere. It's always good.

My senses have dulled down. I crave bad food (super sour candy, ice cream, white bread with piles of cheese) and eat a lot of it. I think that my 'reward' hormone has kicked in. When I eat, it feels good. I have gained at least 10 pounds too. I used to crave fruits, lean meats and veggies. Now I eat a quart of yogurt every day. It's as if I was pregnant.

I sleep! That should of come first. That's the first effect I got from the meds, the ability to sleep through 8 hole hours. Wow! Just this is BIG.

My sex drive visited the sub zero regions. I didn't mind it but it felt awkward. I wouldn't want to be permanently this way - getting fat and not having sex. The drive is coming back, probably because I am less drained? Another side effect is that my usual hot spot is dulled down too. Lets just say that I need to work harder to go beyond a never-ending plateau. I didn't care when my drive was at zero, and I don't mind it now. I have always been one for variety, and change is good, n'est-ce pas?

Ok now before I go soak in my bath, I have to tell you about THE SHOPPING!

One top of the line professional blow drier
One 3 panel makeup mirror
One Nintendo DS
Six Nintendo DS games
One pair of 3 inch high heeled ankle boots
One game boy advance game
One fancy pedometer
One pulse indicator calorie counter stop-watch watch
One gazillion magazines
Slightly less books
A day at the Eastman spa
A pricy duvet cover
A meditation book, cards & cd kit
A set of dishes for 4

Buying these things is giving me a very pleasant buzz indeed. Is it out of character? Well... lets just say that I have not been taken very good care of myself, and needed a few things. Is it the meds? Honestly, I don't think so. This is me in pure glee - and I am restraining myself from writing just how much I LOVE all this stuff at the end of every line.

Sure, shopping is not all.

Now excuse me, I have some blow drying to do.

Amourx.

Himalayas

Oh boy.
A few minutes ago after my night time walk in pitch dark wet streets
I cried in a meeting. And could not stop.
Now and again my audience asked
Why are you feeling this way, why?
It shouldn't be this way, you know.
Not saving lives and all that.

I know, I said. But I am this way, emotional.
But why, the repeated,
As I continued to conduct the meeting
Making an abstraction of myself.
It shouldn't be this way, you know.

That question, why, can open a giant crack
I try to contain it with all my might
losing face? i toss it back like the rest
and continue to fight a battle that doesn't matter
I make an abstraction of myself.

the fatherly opponent hugged me
I am not good with conflict
But above all I don't want to hurt others in there deepest
And I hope and pray that I didn't touch it
didn't open a giant crack
This is what gets at me, the doubt that I can hurt
In the same way that I have been
so emotional

So, all is not good
But I knew this
I've got meds, I've got specialists
Nothing is a walk in the park
Does it hurt that 2 more, 3 more people know
not really

On the other side of this day
I woke up at dawn (its easy in November)
At one point, I was even too happy for work
The thought of shorter work days
The week off and spa gift that I earned
That was enough to make me feel happy again
It had been a while, but you know what
Its still there and I'm still happy.

But need to take care
I feel good in the mornings
I dream of what's to come
the condo, and all else
Amourx.

Toys

I am sick, but still have good things to write:

I am only starting to see how afflicting was my condition. Without knowing it, i was really impaired. My meds are doing this, I know. But also, I think that I can see it know. I have that vision, now.

Other good things are
my new nintendo ds. I play like a child, feels good.
My pedometer and my heartbeat watch.
My long boots and my Banff hat.
7 days of me worship - served to me on a plate with a spa ticket attached. This a gift and an order to relax from work. This coming from work (I had to make some noise, but they handled it smartly).

Back to my new toy.

Amourx.

Zing

Good things of today
The morning and the walk
The gloves and the grey scarf
The skirt (even if yesterday)

Bad things
The hair
The fragility
The virus
The frailty

Ambiguous things
The sms

I am still a clammed oyster. There was a big gap today, between me and the rest of the world (roftw).

Amourx.

Dilee-dalee

Good things of to-day
The torrini tune I hear now
closure and
a grasp on things that passed
and things to come
a friendly upbeat team
great new help again
amen
knowing that i return home
to a sort of semi cleaned up place
and
anticipation.

Amourx.

Snapshot

Sometimes I crave alone-ness. It happens a lot these days. A snapshot of today has me sitting at a messy desk on top of unfolded clothes on my chair. My unmade bed (with beautiful new duvet) in the middle of gigantic yet normal mess: papers, clothes, left over food containers, rocks, empty shopping bags and wrapping, content overflowing, half unwrapped, sometimes thrown back in the bag and hooked to door handle for returns that inevitably miss their deadline. There is a subdued smell that I despise but live with.

My body shows the same signs of neglect. My face gets no skin care, my unruly hair is pulled in a pony tail and kept back with bobby pins.

BUT, signs of change to come is evident :). I have loudly and clearly claimed due payment for the overtime that i have done and due salary raise too. This will make me feel better instantly - if the response is significant. The person who listened heard me and understood me. In itself, this makes me feel better. I had to do this.

Enough about work. I can start slowly integrating exercise to my days and limiting the calorie intake. I can care about my condo that's coming. I can start being happy and in love with life. Yes I can :).

Having more hours for myself makes a good, big, difference. It is indeed a quick fix.

Amourx.

happiness

I did not check my mail just now. Ha!

Can i just pause and say Obama! Say Barack? What a name! The hole world is so happy right now. All warm and fuzzy. We're all happy - can you feel it?

Too bad I wasn't really there, but I saw it through the cracks. I'll try to block all work related thoughts with this: Oh oh ohbamamamamama. Try it for free - It sort of works.

Seriously though, lets not be ill. I saw my specialist yesterday and see my doc tomorrow. My moral is good, almost great considering everything about my WHOLE ENTIRE LIFE. There, I said it.

Lets not be ill. Lets get respect.

Amourx.