Hop scotch

My house smells of ammonia and the usual moth flicker in my face as much as they can. Gross creatures. I eat a mix of peanut butter, sugar, milk and cocoa until i feel sick about it. I tie my hair and note my extra weight, flab all around. I have not been to the dentist since 2007. I sleep and have little activity. I read, I read. I make love once a week only. I turn on the tv and watch 6 channels. I read the paper and wake up to the news. I'm informed. I see my boyfriend's friends because I stopped keeping up with mine. I don't clean. I don't know where the ammonia was dropped. I don't wash my face, I don't wear makeup. I never had jewelery. Sometimes I remember to put moisturizer. I take bathes i never shower. My bathroom is cold it never had heating. I have a lot of clothes that i don't wear. I lose my belts. My socks never match. I don't exercise. Sometimes I drive, sometimes i bike, sometimes i lay in the autumn leaves. I have spent many moments staring at the un-destroyed building where i thought my condo would be. Today i found it across the road. I was staring at the wrong spot all that time. I was happy to see it. It's a hop scotch away from the metro. My boyfriend laughed, me and all. merriment all around. I made a list of things i lost, lately. then I made a wish. How about being happy like those dogs in the parc. How about it. I made a plan. The air is foul here, but I will be moving.

amour.

Éveil

J'ai dormi jusqu'à 11:30 ce matin. Je me suis levée en bonne forme, comme si je me réveillais d'un cauchemar qui a duré 8 semaines. J'ai même rêvé cette nuit de rêves normaux (donc complètement hallucinés, colorés et à teneure sexuelle), ce que je ne faisait plus.

Le soleil plombe, l'air est frais. J'ai dressé la liste de ce que j'ai sacrifié durant ces 8 semaines et le compte est très mauvais. Mais faire un bilan, c'est au moins commencer à mieux voir.

Je me sens bien dans mon corps comme drogué. Au fait, il l'est. Avec les meds, le café du matin me donne toujours un buzz. Je crois que c'est ce que les docteurs voulaient dire lorsqu'ils me parlaient de soulagement.

C'est peut-être du à ma longue balade de vélo dans la nuit d'hier que je me sens mieux. J'ai pédaler un bon 90 minutes, allant jusque chez copain et revenant sur mes pas sans m'en apercevoir. Je vous le jure. J'étais morte de fatigue et souvent prise de peur de me faire frapper par les camions. Je connaissais mal le chemin et me suis trouvée par moment sur une autoroute, par moment dans des arrière-cours de manufactures sombres et sans avenues.

L'exercice du corps, par contre, est bénéfique pour moi. Attendons pour savoir la suite...

amourxxx

I Dream of Daylight

Good things of today.
Two heads in the corridor
Troops starting to sync in
some help
a useful tool
the morning break
getting things done, against all odds
I'm not sure why i'm doing it
I've not seen the light of day
but i'm doing it
so help me god.

Amourxxx

Perspective

Good things of today.
The bike ride
The Beautiful colors even if just one glimpse
the morning buzz
The smart new helpers
The cranberry juice

In all honesty today, and the last few days, were pretty much consumed by work or exhaustion. I did not enjoy the colors nor the fall break. I am completely consumed now. I will be 35 in two weeks. I don't like counting seasons that i don't see.

Amourxxx

x

good things of today
the friendliness of most
and the sunshine head
that even leaves a note
the open door
that lit up the hole darkroom
the night bike ride
a true life saver
the boyfriend
a true believer
the condo

Humans can

Good things of today
Cried on the business floor
Puts things right in the morning
Took a rock to school
But left the jacket
Blood stained my jeans
My four o'clock break
Driving the car at night
Getting things done, what humans can
Thinking slowly
of another career
Thinking slowly
of what humans can.

Some day I'll write the literal of that - its my day.

Pink

Good things of today
The petal of the rose of the wine
the scent of cinnamon everyday
the hope for better days to come
the hearts in my window display
The crisp bike ride twice
The coffee in my custom-made moment
The ability to pray
the planning the getting on
The sun
The pétal de rose glass of wine
The drowsiness y enter
The ebb
The formal vow not to complain
But to move on
move on
move on

Amourxxx