Let me explain. When I feel unstable as I am these days in this pretty yet so unstable city, my whole world is held together precariously. I become the dummy doing the balancing act, keeping my world level on top of my nose, while walking on stilts, on a trampoline floor, in a maze, in underwear.
One minute I am excited and extreemly happy because I found that I fit in it and that I am relevant, the next I am ashamed and guilty because well, how could I have thought that. And that shame is corroding and hurts. I can go a long way with thoughts of not fitting, not deserving, and finding proof that I am a lowly creature; a freak of nature.
Then, glimpse of possibility seen accross the wall. I can reach it! If I just talk to this person, go to this place, at this time, or if I just have this attitude, I'm in! I could access all this fun, meaningful world where most people live.
But then I miss the opportunity. I'm late, I have the bad attitude, I said the wrong thing, I'm too shy, too tired. The world is grim, I am a freak, etc.
Tiring and reminds me that I must take my pills now... It has been like this a lot in Amsterdam and I think that I am making progress in some ways: I don't know that I want to live here. Not if I'm to feel this way alot. I want to go back to stability in my head.
I managed to make another stink at work and so, I think that I may be the next to go. That's one of the thoughts I have while on the stilts.
Otherwise I'm not straighter than the next laywoman. I had wished that I would trigger some new things of me here. But I'm not there. You can't plan to provoke life! Lesson learned one more time.
It's sunny and my last sunday here. I am spending it alone and aside from the stilted woman, I think that it's good for the still one.
Amourx
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