Espoirs

Espoir means faith and hope.

Under the pressure of having to deliver a lot of work too fast, some of my good habits have begun to slip. I have missed too many training sessions at the gym to get the benefits that I wanted and that is making me sad. My free-of-work time is so limited, so unpredictable, that it's hard to choose to train tonight instead of just trying too relax at home.

My mood is increasingly bitter... I'm on the edge of dis-equilibrium, déséquilibre. So I take great care in allowing myself some breaks like this. I have to fight the guilty feelings of not being perfect or how I would want things to be. I have to fight not being jealous of what I project that others have but I don't. Even if that was time, for example. But time is elastic, I must remember.

I'm Angry when people tell me to take care of myself. I'm TRYING so hard. I CAN'T. I am a perfectionist. I know that seeing a therapist will help. Finding one is difficult. Last time I went to the doctors, the doctor disputed me and made me feel horrible, bad, angry, sad, confused and ashamed. It was a one off, but it was hard.

I'm taking an anti-depressant. My next steps are: Finding the correct medical doctor or psychiatrist that will follow me for the treatment of my mood disorder. He or she has to be Competent, Constant and Reliable ; Finding the correct psychologist to help me develop better brain tools, if doctor no.1 is not into that. Finding these are hard, but I have an appointment with a social worker next week who might help. I also have a prescription for a special kind of therapy in my pocket. It's not much but it's something.

Eating good has slipped too even if I never eat very badly. Seeing people doesn't happen much. Isolation is happening, coupled with envy of a 'normal' person's life, lack of fun... Frustration for all this and all other perceived unfairness of life, getting bigger.

So I think I have the bad side of things covered ;-). If I we're to be more rational. I would say that I have one evening with no work to do, that stress is present, that my home needs caring, that negative thoughts are high, that I think I'm still pretty under that huge pile of crap feelings, but I definitely don't dress like myself, like I would like to be, even if I try a lot, nothing shows, just waisted money and energy (Negative thoughts creeping in).

I can be happy of myself at work, I'm riding a pretty big wave and it will stop in 2 months maybe. It's hard to measure equilibrium.

Two friends called and talking to them was a chore - the 'how are you' question, the suggestions, the planning to do stuff... I told my boyfriend that I didn't want to talk because everything opens the can of worms. The how are you question.

I was invited to a wedding. That, I'm happy about.

This is turning out to be a journal post. Old habits. Believe it or not, underneath the bitterness, I Believe in happiness and équilibre and I know that there is strong woman inside, a fighter even. I believe in Beauty and Spirit, both of which I have, and want to hold.

Amourxxx