Da good personal dark cloud

After spending all the holidays sick, I went back to work today and it wasn’t half as bad as I thought. It was even good. But going there was hard and today I am grateful that it went ok. Because lately I have been needing to flee big time, almost urgently, so unbearable are my conflicts. Then there are days like today where it just goes. I have to measure what is my personal dark cloud and what is me being in the wrong place. Both are true.

So as usual the good things need to be said. Some things are props for doing good things for me, makes sense?

-I washed a full basket of dishes

-I brought my lunch to work

-I walked back home for lunch

-The really real winter

-A quiet day

-No conflict where I thought there would be

-Sensing that things are more ok than I think

-Friends reaching out

-A quiet evening

Amourx.

Today

-A quiet morning

-A lot of sleep last night

-My man

-The lights in my christmas tree

-Better contacts at work

-Progress with a prickly situation

-Came home to a clean house and a salad

-Party tonight

Will have a tough day today… but it will pass.

Amourx

More good things

Because I need them, and I forget that I have them.

-The unadorned christmas tree, first ever to appear in this condo

-Beau who brought it in the house

-He is still the best partner ever ever ever

-A happy and motivated employee

-Good warm waterproof boots

-The very relative upkeep of my house

-My hip getting better

-The good food we prepare together

-My weekly vegetable basket

-My hair getting compliments

-Seeing my friend June who brought me gifts!

-Friendly folks at work

I am not feeling very well at work. I feel threatened and extremely worried about managing well and helping us grow out of issues. I fear I may be erased in the process - or erase myself - because of a dominating colleague. I have to make some hard decisions and am still spinning a wheel in motion and acting as firewoman for multiple fires. Also my grandma is in hospital and I am sad. Overall this is making me stressed at all times, tired when I get home, and sleepless at night. I’m writing here to check-in.

Amourx.

High Sun

A good things post is in order:

-2 glasses of wine sneak cheat

-Eating so supremely well my home cooked regimen this week

-Collations. And the way my boyfriend lover says Collation

-Him

-The high sun

-My new specialist and today’s talk

-The lovely note by my leaving employee

-A good quiet home at night

rAmourx.

So it is harassement

Might as well come to this realization now. It will help focus my energy away from hurting my own self. Anger will arise without tears. I will refocus energies. Keep intact as much as I can.

And there was the approach I use to have, where work was a game of chances and trials. See what happens if I take a deep dive here, here, here. It’s a game I’m used to win. It’s a game.

Amourx.

Is it harassement

My vis-à-vis reply in caps, or they bully.

I got a promotion and I am dealing with boys. I believe that they don’t like things being done as they should. I think I am being resisted in a way that is akin to bullying. I won’t get support from my boss. I don’t have support.

Its more juvenile at the top.

How much BS am I supposed to inhale, before I leave.

That is the question I pose.

Amourx.

Things to feel good today

Some to do’s are meaningful because they mean progress:

-get a meeting with financial advisor (and pick up my taxes, 3 years of them are done and this is 3 years of anxiety out ☺)

By the way I got a huge raise last week ☺

-call to get dishwasher and fan installation done.

Those two things are huge milestones. I will be 50 pounds lighter after this.

Amourx.