Oh Yes!

Cette chanson me donne le goût de retomber en amour. Elle réveille le dragon qui dort. Si l'étranger est prêt à me trouver, ça sera épique. J'espère savoir le reconnaître, j'espère savoir l'accueillir, j'espère. C'est sur le cd merveilleux de Maggie Bjorklund. Amourx.

Je crois que c'est une chanson de deuil et de cette façon elle me brise le coeur. C'est souvent des chansons de regret qui pour moi deviennent des chansons d'espoir. J'ai jamais dis que j'étais simple. Si j'avais à l'expliquer je dirais que ça viens chercher mon subconscient, ma vie antérieure ou je ne sais trop, un vieux sentiment d'enfance peut-être. Ou tout ceux que j'ai aimé. Mais c'est définitivement un sentiment annonciateur.

Intertwined
Christy McWilson

dream dream and keep dreaming
you never know
somewhere in time
there’s a place we’ll go

two kites in the heavens
our hearts intertwined
floating along
somewhere in time

sleep with the angels
and sing with the sea
sleep with the wind
and i’ll hear you singing to me

i’ll climb that mountain again
if i had the power
to reel you back in
i’d cast off these hours
that never end
but i’m on the shoreline
so i pretend
dream dream and keep dreaming
if you never knew
how deep is love
i know now you do
dream dream and keep dreaming
i’m dreaming too
somewhere in time
i’ll be with you

sleep with the angels
and sing with the sea
sleep with the wind
and i’ll hear you singing to me

i’d climb that mountain again
if i had the power
to reel you back in
i’d cast off these hours
that never end
but i’m on the shoreline
so i pretend

Day Two

I went running for the second day today. I wanted to record that I was sleepy after work as usual, and I would normally go for my 9% (only two or three of those beers left in the fridge, you won't be hearing about it forever) because it is such a nice way to relax I find. But, I was going to run and I couldn't drink before a run.

I relaxed and read for an hour and then I went. And when I came back I didn't need that much of a drink. This run relaxes me equally, and I just wanted to record that. I have a giant pile of dishes to wash and well, I'm almost up for it but we'll see.

I guess what I want out of this is to be more active. More spontaneously able to get up and go, attack all tasks and head out into the world. It's what the doctor ordered too.

I haven't done well on the budget front. I don't have cash saved up for my trip, my credit cards are under 1K and I usually can pay this back fast enough, but not this time with the bills that are coming in. And my fall back credit margin is full. It's the first time that I don't have a fall back. I usually use this account to pay for my trips, and I guess that the last one took its tole. Knowing all this, I still made a 100$ spur of a moment purchase yesterday. This is my fix for sure. This time it was for headphones, two pairs. Don't ask, but they are purple and I will love them and hold them and keep them forever.

So my trip to Turkey will be borrowed on my credit card? I presume that after that I'll be orchestrating a big budget intervention or something. My plain ticket is already bought, so now I need to figure out my trip's expenses.

All in it's time. Luvx.

Fleet St.

Before I get completely taken by my second beer (9% can send me away), I need to say a few things. Discovered three gems at the disk store -- why yes, i bought myself 3 old real deal compact disks. My thoughts are already very fleeting. But it is beautiful this music and this rain called Irene. Someone said she was ugly but I'd say she's regal. I love that word.

When I get back to the purpose of what was supposed to be this post I will give you a shout, but right away I can say that I feel reborn sort of. Free, finally, and together (in the singular sense of the term). It's been 6 years since I have been free and being 'together' is only starting just. This is fleeting too. I feel stronger today.

I've got these old feelings and emotions creeping back up. Substantial stuff, reminding me of who I was and I am. The little darker subversive side of me, with tentacles i hope. I thought of writing a letter to my ex's friend just to make a point... but friends, when the internet connection goes off just before you press send -- this means something. You better listen, I'm just saying.

Cooking up a lasagna now, letting the sauce simmer. This is not a metaphor. Going away with the music and the 9%, feeling good and feeling who I am. Amen.

Amourx.

Sonata

The weight-in this morning brought me a half a pound bigger. I'm struggling or not doing this well. Of course there was the insane outlawed night where not only drinks where drunken but food was eaten. And most nights of the week I went over my calorie limit, but I must say that I ate well and varied. I even made chicken stock and had Tonkenese style soup 3 times, yum.

I will take up running. Read the book. Should be fine. And then I say, half a pound is not the end of the world.

What else is inspiring me in this morning, let's see. I'm at the café. Yesterday it was the first night in forever that I wanted to get un and clean my kitchen without any nagging feeling behind me of what a low-po I am. It was enjoyable,even, cause I listened to podcasts and had exactly two shelfs in neat order and I guess that's all it takes. I'm contemplating doing a podcast myself. But it is quite a step to put myself out there. Though, much easier than going on stage in front of a crowd.

My friend wants to go clubbing in sleazytown and lo that is not what I'm up to. Bad music and too much drinking won't do me any good. And yes I am worried about not meeting someone forever but these places don't make me feel any better, they tend to make me feel worse. And I don't want to judge -- in fact I'm not, I'm just saying.

Can I say that I signed up to two meeting sites, received a lot of emails and immediately created a rule in my inbox to send them all to a folder called 'lost hopes', never to look at them again. Lost hope isn't for the quality of the emails, they were generic enough. It's more that I found the system overwhelming perhaps. I wasn't ready. But I think I should initiate a first date just to get in motion. It's been 6 years after all, except for a little bumpy period 4 years ago.

What would do me good? I would go to a concert if I where doing something like that. I would go to the beach or to the mountain. I would go visit the gym and maybe I would shop for a set of weights for the home. Create my new workout. I would clean my craft room so that I can buy my Singer Talent sewing machine. I would roam around town and discover stuff and have a really great day. And if someone offered to do something like that with me, I would go.

A small blond curly haired cherub just climbed on the seat beside me, no mom to be seen. Cuteness. She eventually came to corral him. He came back and was corralled back by his papa.

Amourx.

Continental

I think that indeed I must have lived something meaningful last Sunday. A small crack in a crusty, thick and dusty tectonic plate, bringing light in dark forgotten places. It might even be permanent! And I may want to keep prying at those old crusts, but not too fast. It's fun to think that inside I may have a world as vast and as old as our continents.

I have been tired most of the week. Nights like Sunday, where there is clearly too much drinking, too little sleeping and too much fun, I call outlaw nights. It scared me that a single outlaw night could cause this. But now I think that I'm covering a cold. Sometimes I don't get much symptoms other that being exceedingly tired. That must mean that I'm in good health.

Week-end ahead and I am looking forward to time alone again. I would go on a road trip, would love to, but I may be quiet at home too. It's not that I don't love people, I do, but I get drained easily. When I get used to someone's company it's fine, but being around new people all the time is not relaxing for me.

Work has been hard this week mainly because of my cold if that's what it is. Monday was impossible as if I was a teenager again, almost still drunk from the night before. Wednesday I did an easy internal presentation and my speech got entangled quite a bit aarg (public speaking nerves anyone?) - I want to work on that. Tuesday morning I went to the yoga class yay! It's such a great class for me. But I've been eating out a lot this week and my diet is sub par -- so lets see what the scale tells me on Saturday.

Luvx.

Rideau!

Un vent de stupeur fatiguée me travaille. Mon ex me trompait, je m'en doutait. Mais aussi peu que je puis dire que je l'aimais, ça fera toujours mal comme un poignard dans coeur. Normal. Je sais pas si c'est les drogues prescrites, la fatigue, ou la liberté que j'aie qui tempère le tout, je n'en verserai plus de larme, pas pour lui.

Liberté que j'ai - c'est très très rarement, je casse des moules. J'ai l'impression d'en avoir cassé un ce week-end, et c'est dans l'expression que ça se trouve. Dire ce qu'on vit, savoir qu'on est pas seule. Mais c'était aussi une beuverie délurée. Je suis un peu sous un leurre, je le sens aussi.

N'empeche que ça a l'effet bien réel que je m'ouvre au monde comme si j'étais naturellement désinhibée, et que le rideau noir c'est levé. Personne n'est une menace, tout es simple. Damn que je suis parano derrière le rideau. J'espère tant qu'il ne tombe plus jamais.

Amourx.

Now

An interesting thing happened last night. 5 smart, independent, beautiful girls met over delicious bites and copious drinks. It was an illegal to drink night because of work the next day. Somehow we bonded so much that each had a breakthrough reveal, some tears and lots of laughter.

It's magnificent because we tough skinned women are hard to break-through. When we are not trying to survive, we often compete, compare, doubt and more importantly we do this in silence. Each holding her secret of pain like a dead talisman weight. It's a rare thing when three, let alone five women raise the curtain and reveal it. And it is a powerful thing when it happens. For once we are not alone, and our ugly secret wasn't, and we weren't bad as we thought, we were all right all along. We never said it, but once it is said, it goes away a little bit. Whatever hardship it was that kept us suffering in silence and apart.

When women talk we become free and powerful again. I will remember this. Life is bigger outside of the confines that we build around ours, our thick protection. When you say the word, you free yourself. Amourx.

I also learned what i suspected about my ex, and it hurt. But that will pass. I do need to move on, and most especially, love myself now.