Récupération

Ma vie est parfaite maintenant. J'ai mon chez moi, et c'est la 'maison' que j'ai toujours voulu. J'entends les trains grincher dans ma cour et je les saluts. Le sud-ouest, terre de la coyotte que je suis.

J'ai de l'argent par ces temps de crise, projetée dans une position d'où je peu récolter les fruits d'un an de sur-travail sans trop d'effort. Ça tombe bien, ça me prendra bien un an à m'en remettre. Mon employeur est en croissance et il y a même des portes qui s'ouvrent outre-mer, où je suis chez moi.

Mon copain survi tant bien que mal à mes excès de distance et d'indépendance. Il est toujours prêt à aller où je veux aller.

Je prends un plaisir malin à être seule. J'ai hâte de m'y retrouver. La foule peut vider toute mon energie. On vient vers moi quand même, et je dis tout ce que j'ai à dire.

Je suis enragée-tranquille. Beaucoup de choses me révoltent et mon seuil de tolérance est bas. J'essai de laisser aller, et de me reposer. Je ne fais pas beaucoup de bruit, je ménage mes intervention.

Je lie comme une boulimique et j'achète tout ce que je veux sans problèmes. J'ai faim de quelque chose. Je perds le poids que j'ai pris lentement, et j'essai de rattraper tous les rendez-vous manqués. J'ai appris qu'une de mes jambes est plus courte que l'autre, de 2.5 centimètres!

Je suis hyperactive en pensées, je veux changer le monde. Mais je suis tranquille, et je lis surtout. Dans toute cette belle vie, il y a un rien qui me tracasse par excès de bêtise. ll me révolte. Ya rien a faire. Et c'est tout ce que je pense ce soir. Ce bête, cette bêtise, l'anéantir.

Scorpion, sors de ce corps!
Amourxxx

Fear is capital

I'm all about capital and love finding it where unexpected. Das kapital. You can't go wrong with that. It has little to do with money, which is transient in essence. Kapital is pure concrete experience that results in more agency for you. That would be my Kapital. I'm not sure what Marx's is anymore.

One thing that's fun about capital is that you don't intuitively know where it is. You think it's money, but this now appears to me as a pure distraction. I love that about life, always sidetracking us mortals. Lucidity, cleavage, I once noted that those where my arms in battle at one time. Well, that's capital. It's something that you just have, that gives you agency to move onwards and onwards (not to be mixed up with upwards, another distraction).

Lately i found one gigantic thing that i have, and this must be my biggest nugget of capital! I have a great degree of fearlessness. Now creating fear is common, extremely common (just pick up a paper, turn on the tv, its specially spreading these days. You best stay at home). It's totally used as a power tool. And it's easy because it's free. The anxious, the dominant, the lacking, and the perfectly find and dandy all have free instant access to it at all time. It's easier to pick up than free water in Canada, and it is at some degree capital. Little capital, though.

So fearlessness is BIG. I am not afraid, I challenge life. I say, live up to me. Death is a certainty and a mysterious passage, I will go when life decides, this isn't my call. Material? I have it. It would be hard to lose it. Career, I've never been one for that. People? Nopes, I am not dependent and I have capital in relationship that are so owned that I forget about that capital most of the time. But it's there of course, naturally. And if I where totally alone, completely alone, i would not fear, because i have been there too, and I am a friend to myself.

I am not afraid, so I stand here writing. And I need to claim it loud, because the little capital of fear is agitated left and right.

Love and beauty conquers all.

Amourx.

Free Radical

Not so pretty is the way
the hamster goes in his wheel
The earnest creature of them all
we like to place it in a ball

And watch
the beast wrecking havoc
like a free radical
but still contained
unknowingly displaying
It's nature to us

*****I'm not sure where I was going with that hehe. Maybe have to do with the fact that I am considering getting one of those.

I am reading about cells and galaxies, not in the same book. Food fit in there somewhere cause I am INTENSE and if I am going to lose my extra flab I'm going to learn every single detail about nutrition that there is, and I'm down to the atom level cause the general rules are basic and have been covered. As much as I care about things being real and not waisting time on this planet for the time I have in this body, I wanna look good in it. I'm glad I got that off my ballooning chest.

This too shall pass Is my favorite motto. Good OR bad, it's all good if the button doesn't get stuck on repeat.

I'm uncharacteristically happy, these days. With little, really. But the infinitely small is not to be underestimated.

Amourx

Mutiny

I've just been placed straight into a Dilbert cartoon at work, and I don't belong there. I have to blow that thought away now.

Meanwhile the rest of my life is going superbly. I hear the train passing behind my new, cozy home. How I love my home? There are no words. My voice came back too. I am verbal and my thoughts are limpid. I move forward like the train behind my home, steadily and reliably. Life has gotten easier. I have moved onwards, and I am happy.

But still physically, the energy is low. See first paragraph as for the why. Today, I have learned that my right leg is 2,5 centimeters longer than the left one. So that was why walking hurts, and the not so classy walk too.

I HATE being mis-interpreted. I HATE basic ignorance, and crass politics too. So, I may well move onwards and onwards, as I do, like the train.

Amourx

D-7

This winter has brought back the drinking gal in me twice, at least. And twice did I get too randy with some... to the point that I hurt beau, and that beau hurt the other. I am not proud, but guilt is very much useless. Alcohol and these meds are a recipe for danger. Noted.

I am pretty happy. Last week I saw my condo for the first time and it is P-E-R-F-E-C-T. I also secured my mortgage and launched the biggest and bestest web site that could be. Big, happy week :).

Now, well... old monsters are creeping back up at work. I

Crashed Ice

hmmmmmm.... I'm seeing a lot of the stick, but no carrot. But that depends where I look. When I look at the mountain, I see kick and glide opportunity. I ski at least once a week, then i repeat the motion in my head in a loop all week. I wish that I could ski every day.

When I look at my flat, I see a tornado that must have caused this mess. What a quiet and long tornado this is.

When I look at yesterday, I see my new condo and my instant mortgage approval, like magic. B-L-I-S-S. When I look at today, I see chaos, the W word that didn't stop. I also see satisfaction - I launched a humongous baby, really.

I see hurt everywhere, is it me? Am I cutting at other people like I cut at myself? I don't even know it, really.

I see my old self, the one that doubts. I see 15 extra pounds of a 35 year old girl. I see that I need time. To call my mom!

Amourx.

Crispy thoughts

I took singing lessons a while back. It was more about finding my voice (don't wince! I'm litteral here) and indeed I felt a shift in my perceptions after a few weeks. Like I had a great new, huge, tool. I only learned a couple songs, of which amazing grace. My teacher once said - 'don't make it so scorchingly personal', hehe. Anyway I was piping it out loud just now and thought, hmm, do you think that the person that wrote that song ever did effexor (brain meds)? Cause, it's exactly like that song. Hymnic revolution.

Sometimes I wonder how everything is now ALL SO PERFECT. Is it because I am releasing a beast that will resound? Is it because I am moving? Is it because I just went up and down the mountain on skis in puffy snow? Yes. Yes. Yes.

Life is sooo f***ing easy now. I dream of things and they manifest. All I have to say is Respect. To whatever, however, no matter.

Amourx.