This winter has brought back the drinking gal in me twice, at least. And twice did I get too randy with some... to the point that I hurt beau, and that beau hurt the other. I am not proud, but guilt is very much useless. Alcohol and these meds are a recipe for danger. Noted.
I am pretty happy. Last week I saw my condo for the first time and it is P-E-R-F-E-C-T. I also secured my mortgage and launched the biggest and bestest web site that could be. Big, happy week :).
Now, well... old monsters are creeping back up at work. I
Monday, February 2, 2009
Thursday, January 29, 2009
Crashed Ice
hmmmmmm.... I'm seeing a lot of the stick, but no carrot. But that depends where I look. When I look at the mountain, I see kick and glide opportunity. I ski at least once a week, then i repeat the motion in my head in a loop all week. I wish that I could ski every day.
When I look at my flat, I see a tornado that must have caused this mess. What a quiet and long tornado this is.
When I look at yesterday, I see my new condo and my instant mortgage approval, like magic. B-L-I-S-S. When I look at today, I see chaos, the W word that didn't stop. I also see satisfaction - I launched a humongous baby, really.
I see hurt everywhere, is it me? Am I cutting at other people like I cut at myself? I don't even know it, really.
I see my old self, the one that doubts. I see 15 extra pounds of a 35 year old girl. I see that I need time. To call my mom!
Amourx.
When I look at my flat, I see a tornado that must have caused this mess. What a quiet and long tornado this is.
When I look at yesterday, I see my new condo and my instant mortgage approval, like magic. B-L-I-S-S. When I look at today, I see chaos, the W word that didn't stop. I also see satisfaction - I launched a humongous baby, really.
I see hurt everywhere, is it me? Am I cutting at other people like I cut at myself? I don't even know it, really.
I see my old self, the one that doubts. I see 15 extra pounds of a 35 year old girl. I see that I need time. To call my mom!
Amourx.
Sunday, January 18, 2009
Crispy thoughts
I took singing lessons a while back. It was more about finding my voice (don't wince! I'm litteral here) and indeed I felt a shift in my perceptions after a few weeks. Like I had a great new, huge, tool. I only learned a couple songs, of which amazing grace. My teacher once said - 'don't make it so scorchingly personal', hehe. Anyway I was piping it out loud just now and thought, hmm, do you think that the person that wrote that song ever did effexor (brain meds)? Cause, it's exactly like that song. Hymnic revolution.
Sometimes I wonder how everything is now ALL SO PERFECT. Is it because I am releasing a beast that will resound? Is it because I am moving? Is it because I just went up and down the mountain on skis in puffy snow? Yes. Yes. Yes.
Life is sooo f***ing easy now. I dream of things and they manifest. All I have to say is Respect. To whatever, however, no matter.
Amourx.
Sometimes I wonder how everything is now ALL SO PERFECT. Is it because I am releasing a beast that will resound? Is it because I am moving? Is it because I just went up and down the mountain on skis in puffy snow? Yes. Yes. Yes.
Life is sooo f***ing easy now. I dream of things and they manifest. All I have to say is Respect. To whatever, however, no matter.
Amourx.
Sunday, December 28, 2008
I want
Quick update. The dark veil that coloured my life is still lifted. I have NEVER felt something like this with this constance. Happiness was always a matter of precarious luck for me. There was always some kind of doom lurking around the corner. I am impressed with the way this treatment is going.
So meds indeed, and amen. But I must say that there are other factors that are playing in the balance. I am moving in a month for the first time in 10 years. Out with the old gloomy broken down cold and miserly flat, in with the brand new condo owned by moi. This time in history is big for me.
Yesterday I read a fitness book front to back. I am 39% fat! I am at least 15 pounds overweight, and I want to get lean. So I will. My reaction to these numbers: happiness! I like goal setting and looking good too. Yup, I would of winced at this kind of statement if it weren't true.
And, I always want to get stuff ($$$). I am careful though, I don't have a expensive lifestyle. It's just that I want to look good, I want to feel good, I want to be surrounded by beautiful things, I want to play. I want to let me feel like the kid that I am, happy, excited, and fearless.
I'm in the counter vicious circle, at last.
I let myself be compulsive for a while, but now I'm changing strategy. I will write down what I want to have, and maybe the want will go away, or maybe I will purchase it as a reward for getting things done. I want a suunto lumi watch and a polar hyper sophisticated weight training heart rate monitor watch (I lost my cheaper HR watch). I want those very alluring boots I found at the new shop on St-Catherine's. I want to take ballet dance lessons even if I'm 35, and I want to wear all that feminine dancing gear.
2 month ago I couldn't name a thing that I liked to do or wanted.
I do want to write a book or novella. And keep my career (it just shifted to something fun and promising, en passant). And reconnect with others. And be fit, healthy and cute.
Sounds like a plan for 09. Amen.
Amourx.
So meds indeed, and amen. But I must say that there are other factors that are playing in the balance. I am moving in a month for the first time in 10 years. Out with the old gloomy broken down cold and miserly flat, in with the brand new condo owned by moi. This time in history is big for me.
Yesterday I read a fitness book front to back. I am 39% fat! I am at least 15 pounds overweight, and I want to get lean. So I will. My reaction to these numbers: happiness! I like goal setting and looking good too. Yup, I would of winced at this kind of statement if it weren't true.
And, I always want to get stuff ($$$). I am careful though, I don't have a expensive lifestyle. It's just that I want to look good, I want to feel good, I want to be surrounded by beautiful things, I want to play. I want to let me feel like the kid that I am, happy, excited, and fearless.
I'm in the counter vicious circle, at last.
I let myself be compulsive for a while, but now I'm changing strategy. I will write down what I want to have, and maybe the want will go away, or maybe I will purchase it as a reward for getting things done. I want a suunto lumi watch and a polar hyper sophisticated weight training heart rate monitor watch (I lost my cheaper HR watch). I want those very alluring boots I found at the new shop on St-Catherine's. I want to take ballet dance lessons even if I'm 35, and I want to wear all that feminine dancing gear.
2 month ago I couldn't name a thing that I liked to do or wanted.
I do want to write a book or novella. And keep my career (it just shifted to something fun and promising, en passant). And reconnect with others. And be fit, healthy and cute.
Sounds like a plan for 09. Amen.
Amourx.
Monday, December 22, 2008
Lovely Snowy Day
I came home loving the thick thud of snow that's wrapping up the city nicely. Then i read my mail: mistake, mistake.
In one day I am home free. Taken away by civilities for 3 days, then on my own. Wrapped up nicely in a thud of thick snow.
One thing goes very well with snow: deep red wine.
Amourx.
In one day I am home free. Taken away by civilities for 3 days, then on my own. Wrapped up nicely in a thud of thick snow.
One thing goes very well with snow: deep red wine.
Amourx.
Sunday, December 14, 2008
Update
It was a week of a few revolutions. First and foremost, the dark cloud that tinted everything, and specially others, has lifted. Just like that - every interaction is normally friendly as it should be. Life feels good! I don't always feel like disappearing, hiding hideous abominations for so long that I don't even know what they are about anymore. Oh yeah, that wasn't me.
I did not follow my fitness plan because of a major binge drinking client xmas party (the free booze no food kind). I had no clients there but still ended up cozying up to one and being noticed. I have spent 4 days being totally embarrassed because I had lost my memory and didn't know exactly what I did with who. Let alone what I said. Ouch! Reliving my teens here. Finally I remember everything (I think), and it has been a good laugh.
I signed my lease annulment. This is the one and only time in 10 years that my landlord hasn't been a total moron and gave me no trouble. He's still a tadpole.
Now, for a final revolution: I got the magic flat iron that turns my big coarse head into fine, beautiful, shiny, shampoo commercial grade hair. Revolution is a small word.
Amourx.
I did not follow my fitness plan because of a major binge drinking client xmas party (the free booze no food kind). I had no clients there but still ended up cozying up to one and being noticed. I have spent 4 days being totally embarrassed because I had lost my memory and didn't know exactly what I did with who. Let alone what I said. Ouch! Reliving my teens here. Finally I remember everything (I think), and it has been a good laugh.
I signed my lease annulment. This is the one and only time in 10 years that my landlord hasn't been a total moron and gave me no trouble. He's still a tadpole.
Now, for a final revolution: I got the magic flat iron that turns my big coarse head into fine, beautiful, shiny, shampoo commercial grade hair. Revolution is a small word.
Amourx.
Thursday, December 4, 2008
Cave Woman
A pack of 3 large soft cover moleskins, for my book
A book on writing, also for my book
A balance ball kit with dvd and resistance band
A hair mag
No need for running shoes - the ones I have are fine. I wasn't going to return home empty handed, so I carefully indulged in the above.
I forgot to mention the light wind/water resistant shell I got when I dropped my skies off at the shop.
You got to admit though, there are worst vices. Most of this stuff is to help me be more better. Meditation kit, balance ball, blow dryer... (and oh my god this blow dryer sooo rocks! My hair dry in an instant, and i have A LOT of hair, it normally takes OVER 12 HOURS for them to completely air dry. This new device did it in 5 minutes. I kid you not. Plus, it makes it all shiny with its infrared ionized tourmaline ceramic bi-motor 80 mile per hour goodness).
All tripping over the hair dryer business aside, this isn't exactly a revolution. I still have a long way to go. Going out and seeing people, going out dancing and partying, going to soirées... I have to go pick my life where I dropped it off last time.
But for now I'm perfectly content with my stuff, my couch, a blanket, some energy bars and grapefruit juice within hand's reach. That's my primal best idea for any night. With or without the boyfriend. If I had cable and a big tv screen I would never leave.
I can think of a thousand things that are wrong with that picture. I'm just saying that's where the kat wants to go these days, and I'm not fighting with the kat.
Amourx.
A book on writing, also for my book
A balance ball kit with dvd and resistance band
A hair mag
No need for running shoes - the ones I have are fine. I wasn't going to return home empty handed, so I carefully indulged in the above.
I forgot to mention the light wind/water resistant shell I got when I dropped my skies off at the shop.
You got to admit though, there are worst vices. Most of this stuff is to help me be more better. Meditation kit, balance ball, blow dryer... (and oh my god this blow dryer sooo rocks! My hair dry in an instant, and i have A LOT of hair, it normally takes OVER 12 HOURS for them to completely air dry. This new device did it in 5 minutes. I kid you not. Plus, it makes it all shiny with its infrared ionized tourmaline ceramic bi-motor 80 mile per hour goodness).
All tripping over the hair dryer business aside, this isn't exactly a revolution. I still have a long way to go. Going out and seeing people, going out dancing and partying, going to soirées... I have to go pick my life where I dropped it off last time.
But for now I'm perfectly content with my stuff, my couch, a blanket, some energy bars and grapefruit juice within hand's reach. That's my primal best idea for any night. With or without the boyfriend. If I had cable and a big tv screen I would never leave.
I can think of a thousand things that are wrong with that picture. I'm just saying that's where the kat wants to go these days, and I'm not fighting with the kat.
Amourx.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)