Emergencies

It’s Monday evening and I feel energized, felt like this all day. Also for once I’m not in too deep at work, and I almost get the jitters - i’m not used to this and it’s clear that I don’t have the meds anymore, so I react with a kind of intense speed at doing things and some wonder of what this feels like (new) and some worries about how I’m doing.

I came home and scarfed down some cheese and tortillas. My body’s been a bit whacked lately, its tired but it can’t stop being awake and wants to jump into what’s next like there’s an emergency. It’s my emergency to live, and I let it do that.

I also have to give me credits for this energy, because I have been constantly keeping active with gym and bike rides, or walks into nature, and I found a new Yoga place to round it up. These walks and rides in the sun mean everything to me, make me feel so alive.

Am I high? Do you think?

This evening I pulled away from work at a decent time and now I’m to do something that relaxes and feeds into my desires. Sounds easy, but it’s easier to pass this by I think. My beau has arrived, so I will bid farewell.

Amourx.

Kind

A lot is up it seems, and I have to write - not out of an impulsion, but because of the good it does to my mind, to sort things out. And also because looking back there are a lot of kernels of wisdom that I recorded in the blogs, my own kind of school.

I recently understood that my truth in life, my dharma, is about kindness, empathy and helping each other find out if we are all happy to be together. My father once wrote this to me on a piece of paper, something about cells in my body reaching out to the others, to find out if we are all still there, and still want to be together. I’m also the truth sayer, finding and revealing the tension of what is unsaid. This is my purpose I believe.

I can and must apply it to myself internally too. My life has been a roller coaster, but this path is my level. It came to me lately in the last year after reading about dharma, but also, you know, all this introspection that i do constantly.

I read backwards that I am scared to hurt others, I thread lightly in adversity with others, I am unbalanced in conflict, making it hard to support. In my natural, medication-less state, I read a lot of imminent conflict or aggression into other peoples pretty normal behaviours. If I strip out the whole journey that took me to today, I may call this a sort of social phobia. I don’t know if it helps to call it that.

I have stopped medications 2 months ago. I’ve had a life & death situation happen in winter, and coming out of this, i found an incredible compulsion to live to the fullest. I have it now, a rolling fire, that completely changes my attitude. I’m in a state of emergency to live, but also in appreciation of what I have, and understanding that I have to be kind to myself.

It’s not something I chose, not something that is reflected in my life today, but its just coming from the essence of me.

So I happen to be more active, more energized, more engaged in the very fast paced life that I have. I worry about balance, this is in my line of sight too. Not that I am doing to much, but that what I’m doing needs to align with my essence. I have a lot of truth-saying and checking if we are all alright to do. when I start doing that in the work that I choose to do, I will be rewarded.

I’m far from there in my current job, but it’s constantly shifting too accommodate me, so I wouldn’t say there is a conflict there right now. However, its time for me to do some sideline things in a freelancing sort of way. I need that freedom.

But before I start changing the world around me, I need to look inside and make sure I’m kind to myself, that I’m balanced inside, that I have my own internal freedom.

I still have family plans with my beau. We travel and eat and laugh a lot. Have good friends and a great family. A nice house and a good life. And summer has started!.

Amourx.

It's monday

It’s Monday morning and I don’t have the blues. I am even happy inside. Could be because I tried stand up paddled and cycled all day yesterday with my love, I feel it in my body today. The house state is ok, somehow held at the point of balance where it could go up or down in terms of cleanliness. We tend to go down but are working on that with baby steps.

What’s it like to be 40 in the summer? Only happens once right and why don’t we celebrate it like being 10? I feel over wrapped with a bit of extra weight hanging on. It could be the first time that I feel the garb in my arms and thighs as I move around. Dressing up has changed. Pictures put me in a size I don’t recognize. My energy has been low but I had surgery this month. Still it’s that stress and workload management, nothing new regarding this one. In fact I manage stress better than 10 years ago. But I used to be a bit more active generally and diet has been by no means exemplar. Living with a Polish man that works in a liquor store, I’ve been drinking more regularly and more casually cause it’s there. That can be accountable for my skin breakouts (that’s also new to me), low energy and extra handles, so I’m reducing and swapping wine and beer for iced tea. I started to drink diet coke at work, that’s weird too.

I’m starting my week with lots of health to-do’s. It’s true that there is much more health appointments to manage than ever, I have some that are queued up for years. I think I’m in pretty good health overall, that’s what my doctor told me at my last check-up.

At 40, I also have better working conditions than ever. My office is an architectural beauty with a pool and beer tap, and a community of workers I need to know better. If there is something I can work on during my forties is too relax and socialize more. That’s a pretty good plan for me. I have about 5 weeks of paid vacations, a good salary, nobody controlling my schedule. Can travel etc. I guess that’s a good career and I am reminded of that as a counter to heavy stress periods. It’s also litteraly a 10 minute walk a day from my home to my desk.

I will continue this thread later,

Amourx.

Lo

Its been a week of epic dreams and passing away. 3 days peak between my grandmother’s death and her funeral. A crux of piled on pressure that I somehow withhold.

In my dream I was forced in a train wreck project that needed more and more parts of me to get done, by me. Which is pretty exactly the same as my days go, except for the knee length boots that where lying around everywhere and that I would periodically step in and out of. I think I shall wear mine today to work tie the knot.

There was also a mysterious library I could walk into. It felt european or new-englandy. There was a trap that seemed to operate like this, if you where a counter-espionage person sporting brown hair with a moustache, and came with a look-alike to rent a book at the desk, you would immediately fall into a tunnel that took you away for ever. The setting lighted in red.

Not sure what this part was about, but I have just acquired a guide to American architecture. Seems related.

Lo I still love my life, my lover, the daylight and what the future may bring.

Amourx.

The glide

I thought i would write about how gooood I’m feeling on a Monday morning!! This is completely unheard of, even my Sunday night was a textbook realxing evening with my love, with the TV (House of Cards season two episode 1 - OH darlings!), some wine and that après-ski glow.

Sundays for me are usually about stomach in a knot, hamster spinning in the head and shut down of emotions in preparation for the week that comes. Mondays mornings, and all mornings, have been about how long can I stretch this moment before I get to work.

I’m not more eager to get to work, anyway I have a medical appointment today. But, this relaxed, positive and still glowy feeling? Amen.

There is the thawing of this winter, even if puffy snow abounds (thankfully for the ski and the overall prettiness), I can feel the days getting longer. But someone told me that I talk a lot about the weather, I do. Hey it’s a safe place.

There has been a few things, but most significant are two: My bosses have finally talked to me about my future in the agency. The first time in three year that I have a 10 minute talk about it. This changed everything in that I don’t feel that I have a gun to my head and about to be told that I’ve been laid off -- a scenario that is too real these days for some of my fellow colleagues due too losses.

Well, I still have evolved internally about my role, and continue to - I have detached from feeling this company as a “parent” I think. But I have to admit that the cagey place I was in has subsided in an instant. Managers need to know the impact they can have on us gee whiz. I had months, maybe a year of living in deep anxiety. But I’m proud of how I handled it all in the end.

The other thing contributing to my great glowy feeling are Ski and Yoga. I’ve been skiing every week-end with my sister and lover, and yesterday my nephew joined us. The sun, the glide, the crisp air. This is the main deal everyone. Above and beyond anything I can do to cheer me up - this is it.

I started Yoga at a nearby centre this week, and I clicked. Like when you c-l-i-c-k your ski boot in the ski. It feels so totally right, and I feel so totally good. I have felt the deep focus that I couldn’t feel for as long as I can remember. The challenging long poses. The surrender. These teachers and this centre is very good. I’m hooked.

Voilà - now off to my appointment, than work, and life continues with a promising light.

Amourx.

Opportunistic Fracas

How about some good things!

Being at peace in the great fracas

The yellow tomato pasta hmmm

My loooooove

Talks amidst the great fracas

Sailing across it all

Opportunity

Knitting his sweater - a must i didn’t know about before I did it

My sooooofa’s new cover : linen, cotton, viscose pretty

How it camouflages with his sweater in progress

Always wanting to ski, but I can’t haha

Tomorrow’s friday

Working at home yesterday

My house clearing up

Series

Having lunch at home twice

My new computer in the fracas

Ease

Amourx.

2014 Start

I’ve had a great christmas and new years break. It started really well with a short skiing afternoon, a longer day hike, visiting families over christmas, both his and mine. His family had rented a very sweet Auberge in Val David. New years was celebrated in a very bad venue with god-awfull music, but with good friends so I had great fun anyway.

However, it is January 4 and I haven’t set foot outside in 2014 yet. I intend to today. We’ve had arctic weather in the -40 C. Also I have some kind of stomach flu and very low energy, so I spent those days sleeping, reading, knitting, cooking, and watching films. 3 days indoors is excessive and I’d like to get back out in the world today.

I have some doubts and worries about going back to work on Monday. I try to remind myself that I have no control on those things, externalities. I admit it’s haunting me a bit, but I won’t beat myself up trying to prepare.

Sooo it’s not easy. On the good side I am so in love with my man and we’re having great times together. My home is warm and getting together slowly. I don’t lack anything and have a few tricks up my sleeve: focus on my wellness and faith that all will be well in its place.

Amourx.