Sun

It's not exactly as I planned. Training for ski season? Well it's Indian summer here, and bleak dark all the time. That's not an excuse, but, I'm not training that much and my health is semi poor and my mood is half down, half ok.

It's hard to be true, to get to that truth. I thought that I needed to cut off again; then I didn't. And I realized that I was ok with that. I can't handle a big cut; I wish that there won't be a big cut. I wish that I could keep flowing on my boat, and see the landscape change.

Then I thought that I could throw in some severe mix of trips to work in Ams and jump across the world. But tonight I know it's too much. Although I want to do a trip with my girlfriends, that, I really want even if someone will groan.

I thought I could keep house and I did, although just a bit. And my own food made me feel queezy once and I still ate it for 3 days.

My boss called me a boar the other day. Splendid atmosphere.

Need the sun, and not the pressure of a couple. Need the rest, and not the pressure of...

Now my house is barely kept. I keep buying things but I must say, my credit card will be down to zero in a month.

I keep to myself and people even notice. I probably do that to much, and maybe it's because I'm low. I'm always comfortable in a cosy bubble. I'm always too tired to engage. I can't even afford putting on a sociable front when I don't feel it. I just take off. I'm not mad, not sad. Angry, I'm sure. hmm

I cut down completely one of my pills :). I'm down to 1 at a lower dose. I'm not feeling for it. I wish it helps me get back to slimmer but maybe I made my time. Maybe I'm not so bad.

That's about the state of things. Going to AMS in a week, but I won't fly on a Friday. I wanted to go in the sun, too. Like to Greece or Spain but even better Indonesia. But it freaked out my bf and then, I can't deal with it. So, just going to Ams now, and in Ams, I shall see.

Amourx.