Fear is capital

I'm all about capital and love finding it where unexpected. Das kapital. You can't go wrong with that. It has little to do with money, which is transient in essence. Kapital is pure concrete experience that results in more agency for you. That would be my Kapital. I'm not sure what Marx's is anymore.

One thing that's fun about capital is that you don't intuitively know where it is. You think it's money, but this now appears to me as a pure distraction. I love that about life, always sidetracking us mortals. Lucidity, cleavage, I once noted that those where my arms in battle at one time. Well, that's capital. It's something that you just have, that gives you agency to move onwards and onwards (not to be mixed up with upwards, another distraction).

Lately i found one gigantic thing that i have, and this must be my biggest nugget of capital! I have a great degree of fearlessness. Now creating fear is common, extremely common (just pick up a paper, turn on the tv, its specially spreading these days. You best stay at home). It's totally used as a power tool. And it's easy because it's free. The anxious, the dominant, the lacking, and the perfectly find and dandy all have free instant access to it at all time. It's easier to pick up than free water in Canada, and it is at some degree capital. Little capital, though.

So fearlessness is BIG. I am not afraid, I challenge life. I say, live up to me. Death is a certainty and a mysterious passage, I will go when life decides, this isn't my call. Material? I have it. It would be hard to lose it. Career, I've never been one for that. People? Nopes, I am not dependent and I have capital in relationship that are so owned that I forget about that capital most of the time. But it's there of course, naturally. And if I where totally alone, completely alone, i would not fear, because i have been there too, and I am a friend to myself.

I am not afraid, so I stand here writing. And I need to claim it loud, because the little capital of fear is agitated left and right.

Love and beauty conquers all.

Amourx.

Free Radical

Not so pretty is the way
the hamster goes in his wheel
The earnest creature of them all
we like to place it in a ball

And watch
the beast wrecking havoc
like a free radical
but still contained
unknowingly displaying
It's nature to us

*****I'm not sure where I was going with that hehe. Maybe have to do with the fact that I am considering getting one of those.

I am reading about cells and galaxies, not in the same book. Food fit in there somewhere cause I am INTENSE and if I am going to lose my extra flab I'm going to learn every single detail about nutrition that there is, and I'm down to the atom level cause the general rules are basic and have been covered. As much as I care about things being real and not waisting time on this planet for the time I have in this body, I wanna look good in it. I'm glad I got that off my ballooning chest.

This too shall pass Is my favorite motto. Good OR bad, it's all good if the button doesn't get stuck on repeat.

I'm uncharacteristically happy, these days. With little, really. But the infinitely small is not to be underestimated.

Amourx

Mutiny

I've just been placed straight into a Dilbert cartoon at work, and I don't belong there. I have to blow that thought away now.

Meanwhile the rest of my life is going superbly. I hear the train passing behind my new, cozy home. How I love my home? There are no words. My voice came back too. I am verbal and my thoughts are limpid. I move forward like the train behind my home, steadily and reliably. Life has gotten easier. I have moved onwards, and I am happy.

But still physically, the energy is low. See first paragraph as for the why. Today, I have learned that my right leg is 2,5 centimeters longer than the left one. So that was why walking hurts, and the not so classy walk too.

I HATE being mis-interpreted. I HATE basic ignorance, and crass politics too. So, I may well move onwards and onwards, as I do, like the train.

Amourx

D-7

This winter has brought back the drinking gal in me twice, at least. And twice did I get too randy with some... to the point that I hurt beau, and that beau hurt the other. I am not proud, but guilt is very much useless. Alcohol and these meds are a recipe for danger. Noted.

I am pretty happy. Last week I saw my condo for the first time and it is P-E-R-F-E-C-T. I also secured my mortgage and launched the biggest and bestest web site that could be. Big, happy week :).

Now, well... old monsters are creeping back up at work. I

Crashed Ice

hmmmmmm.... I'm seeing a lot of the stick, but no carrot. But that depends where I look. When I look at the mountain, I see kick and glide opportunity. I ski at least once a week, then i repeat the motion in my head in a loop all week. I wish that I could ski every day.

When I look at my flat, I see a tornado that must have caused this mess. What a quiet and long tornado this is.

When I look at yesterday, I see my new condo and my instant mortgage approval, like magic. B-L-I-S-S. When I look at today, I see chaos, the W word that didn't stop. I also see satisfaction - I launched a humongous baby, really.

I see hurt everywhere, is it me? Am I cutting at other people like I cut at myself? I don't even know it, really.

I see my old self, the one that doubts. I see 15 extra pounds of a 35 year old girl. I see that I need time. To call my mom!

Amourx.

Crispy thoughts

I took singing lessons a while back. It was more about finding my voice (don't wince! I'm litteral here) and indeed I felt a shift in my perceptions after a few weeks. Like I had a great new, huge, tool. I only learned a couple songs, of which amazing grace. My teacher once said - 'don't make it so scorchingly personal', hehe. Anyway I was piping it out loud just now and thought, hmm, do you think that the person that wrote that song ever did effexor (brain meds)? Cause, it's exactly like that song. Hymnic revolution.

Sometimes I wonder how everything is now ALL SO PERFECT. Is it because I am releasing a beast that will resound? Is it because I am moving? Is it because I just went up and down the mountain on skis in puffy snow? Yes. Yes. Yes.

Life is sooo f***ing easy now. I dream of things and they manifest. All I have to say is Respect. To whatever, however, no matter.

Amourx.

I want

Quick update. The dark veil that coloured my life is still lifted. I have NEVER felt something like this with this constance. Happiness was always a matter of precarious luck for me. There was always some kind of doom lurking around the corner. I am impressed with the way this treatment is going.

So meds indeed, and amen. But I must say that there are other factors that are playing in the balance. I am moving in a month for the first time in 10 years. Out with the old gloomy broken down cold and miserly flat, in with the brand new condo owned by moi. This time in history is big for me.

Yesterday I read a fitness book front to back. I am 39% fat! I am at least 15 pounds overweight, and I want to get lean. So I will. My reaction to these numbers: happiness! I like goal setting and looking good too. Yup, I would of winced at this kind of statement if it weren't true.

And, I always want to get stuff ($$$). I am careful though, I don't have a expensive lifestyle. It's just that I want to look good, I want to feel good, I want to be surrounded by beautiful things, I want to play. I want to let me feel like the kid that I am, happy, excited, and fearless.

I'm in the counter vicious circle, at last.

I let myself be compulsive for a while, but now I'm changing strategy. I will write down what I want to have, and maybe the want will go away, or maybe I will purchase it as a reward for getting things done. I want a suunto lumi watch and a polar hyper sophisticated weight training heart rate monitor watch (I lost my cheaper HR watch). I want those very alluring boots I found at the new shop on St-Catherine's. I want to take ballet dance lessons even if I'm 35, and I want to wear all that feminine dancing gear.

2 month ago I couldn't name a thing that I liked to do or wanted.

I do want to write a book or novella. And keep my career (it just shifted to something fun and promising, en passant). And reconnect with others. And be fit, healthy and cute.

Sounds like a plan for 09. Amen.

Amourx.