Hey there - I'm fine. I'm still here, I'll be back. I've restarted yoga, am knitting a bit, am tired now. Job got better, happier, still uber demanding I think. Nothing else is up. It's winter, I sleep and rest when I can.

Amourx.

AntiRev

Hey there. This is morning 2 of my 2011 work year. I didn't make any resolutions but I wanted to file a progress report. I know I need pics to file my progress and I'm thinking of doing in a less personal blog. It would be interesting that you see the state of my home, and that I see it too. This year I would like to discover ways to make my life easier, prettier, better without any big, tiresome expense of money. That's easy to say after buying me all this nice stuff during the holiday break, hehe.

So without any resolutions made, I had started to clean on sunday. Just an hour or two, spread out in the hole day. Lifting and hiding away clothes, dishes and specially great balls of dust from all over the floor gives a noticeable lift to my spirit. Must remember the huge effort-to-benefit ratio. Cause I will live a long time in dusty messy places (hear years) and a matching mood. I 'know' this even when I'm down, but don't often act on it.

When I am cleaning, I am sometimes conscious of the harsh inner critic that is making it all extra painful. When I see the detail of a mess, say a sock in a ball of dust, I get very wearied. It's very discouraging. So now, I take special care in noticing that I don't dislike the detail of a task. I try to pay attention to the moment. This is not tedious, or difficult, hell it can even be pleasant. Hands in warm suds gently stroking dishes that will help to nourish me later. Watching dirty water emptying out after a deep clean.

Yesterday I thought I'd clean one thing, and ended up washing the kitchen cabinet doors and floors. This is again a high impact clean-up that is not difficult or lengthy. I think that I can fly with this concept.

There is no thoughts about my work today because I feel that it is well contained - yay - and that I can start filling up the other parts of my life. Such as eating. I would like to start preparing my own food because I have a hunch that this will help me find pleasure back. I'm still not easily inspired, but I decided to go to the market during lunch and buy one food everyday. Well yesterday I bought some celery and I'm not sure how to prepare it, so I've been eating solely spaghetti with a meat sauce I prepared on Sunday for lunch, dinner, and lunch today again. Well at least I made it, and that's fun. I can't taste it much because I am still fully congested.

I finished the side to side part of a shrug that I knit over the holidays. It's very big. Perhaps too big. I am pausing because I'm not sure if I want to seam it before or after blocking. Ho hum... probably before... it will be harder to seam but faster, cause this thing is very dense, it takes days to dry up.

Righty-ho, on with my day. May yours be a pleasant one.

Amourx.

2011 More and better

Hey there,

I just wanted to drop you a note, to say hey, I'm fine, I'm here. I'm still killing it.

It's new years. I've been quiet. How does this change things... Well I've been sick too, a cold forced me to bed most of the week. I didn't suffer, I just had to kick back. I couldn't turn the world around, but I never can in a holiday.

I didn't set foot outside today. I wanted to recharge - I can never do that enough. I cleaned and cooked and made hot lemonade and it was never difficult. Nothing I can't handle.

I ordered a big tv and sound system, after the day I bought an electric kettle and a slow cooker and a zipped knit hoody made with some alpaca that's very warm. Yesterday, I ordered an entire Mary Kay kit from my sister. It's more buying stuff for me and pays my sister too. But certainly it was superfluous (I wear little makeup).

The tv set was a spur of the moment thing but I think that it will do me good. I will rearrange my living room and start adding personal touches to my home. I got it because of netflix and the fact that video stores around my place are crap. This way i get to plug in my computer and play anything, or download straight from netflix from the blue ray player that came with it. It's pretty stuff, bought at a good bargain, at the best moment I think.

Am I avoiding things well, yes. Not exercise cause I was sick, I will start again this week. Not work cause I am anxious about it, but this is not starting today (tomorrow, yes). My love life, yes. This is unchanging. I just know that I inhibit a lot, if that's a verb. I do need to change it this year.

The pills... they are keeping me even steven. I don't know if this flattens me out, makes me care a little bit less. I think so. But under the fog I'm still there and I remember, that I want more and better.

Happy 2011, hope you are well.

Amourx.

Stepping back

I think that my job is about keeping the wheels in motion as we roll up the mountain. Today, well starting yesterday, I shut down work and popped in a movie -- Coco and Igor, it starts with a wonderful kaleidoscope intro -- and fell asleep on it, quite simply. And this morning I didn't run. And I am not in the office yet at 8 o'clock, and I didn't check my email once.

It's about to be christmas, you know. I'm lucky to have welcoming, appreciative colleagues and pleasant work environment, what I didn't have before. I'm thinking that there is a 3 month period of harshness, then a 6 month period of getting into the spin, and then, I should be more comfortable. Plus I will have a hollerday.

Maybe I have to look at my life more long term. Be easy on me. And stuff.

Relaxing, like I do now, is amazing. I shall have some more of this.

Luvx.

Descentes

I had a bad night, and my mind is still captive of things to do, things to remember, as if all threatened to run away with the wild horses. My thoughts are obsessive about one thing, and for once I can't blame the one thing: work, because the pressure is mine.

Today I didn't run because of the night I had. Perhaps the strong beer was not a good idea. Taking the wrong pill at night, too, I think. I worry more than folks can imagine. I am not depressed. I don't remember my dreams. I am hoping for a good day.

Amourx.

Deep belly

These days are amazing, I have to admit.

Nothing much is expected of November, even after it turned over to December. The blurry dusk, everything wrapped in a daze, we witness the change of time drawing itself until the first blizzard comes. We celebrate in the dark, and secrets are shared. At some point we will have a new year, but not today.

Me, I'm having a spell. This morning I did the tree as I walked to work (this is a hand posture or mudra), and I was told about the oak tree and the reed at the end of it. I hear a deep belly laugh as I type, hahahaha what an amazing story today was.

Good things:
The blizzard
The huge, beautiful new knitted scarf!
The appropriateness of finishing the scarf the day of the blizzard
The morning walk
The warm bright lights and the coffee
Commuting in 10 minutes
The friendly colleagues
The eye of danger
The easy ticket to the show

luvxx

Little Hero Wannabe

Today, well. It was a day where things collapse together, so tightly they need to be bundled into too little time. A day when blank head space happens when asked a simple question. But the key to today is Containment. This was contained, and I am now free of it (but reminded that I need to keep my iphone close for work related emails).

Perilous work, how I somehow strive in it at times. Little hero wannabe, you have to be one to do this.

Outside of that perimeter, well... I took the morning walk (the jog was getting taxing, so I took an easier route today). I did the plant (luminotherapy) and the tree (meditations) and my mind is quite sane, and my energy seems good. Why I'm even back into knitting, contemplating the scarf and its last repeat before I can wrap myself in its glory. The new morning regimen, on day three, is quite positive.

I received some needed positive feedback, today. The crucial meeting was postponed, giving me time. The impossible is being met as much as I can foresee. Things are contained.

Maybe with this chance of equilibrium, I can start looking at the other spheres. The other spheres.....

Amourx.