Pride and Predjudice

Hey so why not another loverly post almost in 2020. Dare I say I started being Girl in a bottle at least 15 years ago and here I am, still drifting.

Of course, I'm writing from a place of crisis. But in mid-life it's not as life-threatening as it was at 30. I've gained balance in life over the years with experience of my particular kind of mental illness - a very functional mix of high anxiety and destructive self-thoughts leading to, if I'm not careful, dysfunctional depression in a very dark place.

But I'm not there. Right now I'm in the anguish bit. I adjusted my medication, I went to the acupuncturist, the trainer (who ended up massaging my skull last time), and to the spa. Above all, I'm not alone. My fiancé is there and has been so supportive, he has fed me every single meal and filled my cup of water, tea, and wine for the last seven days. He cleaned the whole house. It's not always like that but today it is and it matters.

I feel no stigma anymore because why would I and time have changed, people are more open about mental illness now. I feel no hunger either but I understand that my body is busy managing containing a panic, a meltdown. 

Writing has always helped. This illness is linked to circumstances. It happened very quickly, I started work at a new place, it was October, and my entire body resisted the rhythm, the demands of this particular client. I fell in five days into unsettling anguish. I'm now managing it but I'm still in that contract possibly for months unless my ego decides to fold and let me quit. I am divided between my entire body and soul reaction to this work and my ego, my pride, at pretending I'm a robot or a happy executive that performs super high all the time.

I have to deal with my all or nothing bit where I feel stuck. I don't hate all of advertising, all of agency work, all of freelancing. But right now I'm impaired, or feel impaired, at doing the work well. I'm a perfectionist so I question should I leave now? Let them hang, have them despise me? Lose a client. Feels relaxing. Maybe it's not throwing everything out but just this one.

If I continue I will probably ride the bad part hurting but they won't know. Then I will maybe be very successful but I wonder if it will wear me out. I wonder what is the meaning of this. This hate-fear I feel now. This job, what is its meaning?

That's where I am today and I don't have the answer, and that's ok.

Amourx.

Reminder

I am so going to tour over this shit. Don't beleive me just watch.

The Average Person Must

At all times one must ensure to carry on 4 types of knitting projects in order to have what one needs in all occasion:

1. One lace, cables or colourwork project
2. One project with wide sections of stockinette or garter stitch which can include one knit-in-pieces sweater or cardigan or one knit in the round.
3. One modular blanket for leftovers
4. Socks or other small portable project

As well as the above mentioned project types, one must take care to use different needles and varying gauges and sorts of yarn. At least three types of yarn should be used including at least two different weights and two or three different fibres or fibre blends. Please match needles and yarn accordingly.

On must also study contiguous fibre disciplines in alternation and progression, such as crochet, dying and rug hooking.

Managed properly, these projects will rise to the rescue of any idle moment for the average person. 

Hello World

I was wondering about the blog, then started looking for it. For a while I panicked. What. if. I. don't. exist. anymore.

Then I found it. Pfew. Girl in a bottle. Still on the throttle. Amen.

Amourx.

The Recoil

So what's up. It's pretty outside and I'm gorging coffee like every morning. I'm looking at the neighbours' house through the trees, it has vines growing on it. I hear my boyfriend waking.

My new therapist asked what are my objectives. I'm seeing her tomorrow and want to try to answer that, but it's not easy. Having more energy is one but to do what. Better to aim for that paralyzing thing I have, were in front of options I retreat, I recoil. But I needed to. Then why and what - those are questions that are hard to answer and that's also why I don't try to write fiction, there are too many why's and what. But I thoroughly and deeply enjoy Elena Ferrante's Neapolitan series, I'm at the third book.

What is the life I want -- I said it should be simple. Anyway, I'm not sure if I have to dig and excavate something out of myself, or catch my bliss.

I understand the anxiety monster that I'm learning to distance and ignore. Feels better. There is sadness and malaise, or anger, and projection of bad thoughts all around. On Friday, the opulent houses of Westmount were judging me, walking in their neighbourhood were no bench or parc allowed me to rest. I was sad in my heart. There are no reasons.

Then I like having time now. I read, walk, meditate and do small things. I coloured two of the four mandalas but I'm also knitting a sock and thinking of knitting something else instead that's even more repetitive. I know that creation helps, and colours. I keep the house ok clean but it's not a revolution. And I would like to have a revolution in my house. Clear out a room for creation. Get rid of a lot of things, and lighten up.

Beau is also depressed I think and that is worrying me a lot too I guess. I could be more positive. Fall is truly spectacular and so bright. I think everyone supports me but I don't know, I think I have all this negative judgement that I project not even on people, in the air, in my head.

So. What I want to have is a simple life, a schedule I manage, time to rest and play and grow. Have a family and a warm house with friends. And to use my sensibility and intellect in a rewarding way, to get it out there and make good. Should be doable?

Amourx.

Summary

For the record. I found a new psychologist who gave me some mandalas to colour. In the art supply shop I awoke a bit, I was already thinking of drawing which is easier and different than writing. I cleared up  my house. My doctor and my boss told me, wrote me, that I need to rest as long as I needed to rest and I would say when. I don't have any money coming in and I have to figure that out. I'm looking at fall leaves and light and I am amazed. I still am low key but I finished my three mid term exams. I'm reading Ferrante. It's still my birthday since my family is doing a brunch for me next week-end. Kind of a new world where space is given and I am starting to accept that I can take it and use it. Beau is also happy about how it's turning out for me. I still didn't tell everyone, but there aren't that many folks to tell anyway, and this feels right. Another nice fall day today and I may get out. Administration duty linger on, but that's for tomorrow. I'm exhausted.

Amourx.

Growing Pains in French

C'est ma fête. Ça me fait entrer définitivement dans l'âge adulte, selon moi. C'est un peu aujourd'hui que sa se passe. Comme ça mes opinions ont une autorité inhérente parce que je suis quelque part entre le tiers et la moitié de ma vie, plus proche de la moitié mais j'ai espoir de vivre longtemps.

Ce matin j'ai eu de bons mots et de beaux baisers, et puis tout ceux de Facebook. Ça fait du bien :-). Je suis encore horizontale. Je souhaite me dorloter un peu avec une coupe de cheveux ou quelque chose dans un spa, un massage tient.

Je me dis qu'il faut que je résume mon état pour pouvoir décider avec mon médecin où j'en suis. Sur mon formulaire, c'est écrit dépression majeure et TAG, pour trouble d'anxiété généralisé. Alors c'est ça l'étiquette, mais la vie ne se circonscrit pas dans les étiquettes.

Où j'en suis. Encore les états d'âmes difficiles, mais un peu plus de mouvement. Un peu plus, mais aussitôt que j'arrête je m'étends. C'est une progression. Par contre je suis enthousiasmé par les marches et les quelques activités que j'ai fait avec mon amour et mes amies et famille. Aussi je continue le yoga, la méditation, et j'écoute des trucs sur l'alignement et le mouvement naturel depuis hier. Ça ça me semble faire du bien.

Ensuite je fatigue, mais je dirais que je vais, comme avant, accepter les invitations qui viennent qui ne sont pas trop prenantes. C'est tout ce que j'ai à faire. Et, j'ai deux psychologue là... histoire que je change d'un à l'autre mais que je ne manque pas de suivi entre temps.

C'est compliqué je sais. Ces chose là, les décisions sur ma vie fondamentalement, sont très dures. Et elles sont couvertes, cachées, derrière des sentiments très noirs allant de la culpabilité à la honte au mal de vivre, et la peur qui sous-tend tout ça.

Prête à retourner non. Accepte le temps que ça prend, pas encore. Mais mes journées sont moins lourdes tranquillement, je respire un peu plus d'aisance.

Je n'ai rien à promettre à personne aujourd'hui. L'automne est si belle.

Amourx.